Chronicle of a redhead

So what have you been doing?

2011-12-11T22:13:00.003-05:00

Time to play catch up! Let's see, what have I been up to? Not much, actually. I work at Panera Bread now, as an all around associate; dining room detail, cashier, backer, whatever is needed. I've been there since last September and over all it's not bad. There's some issues with a certain ASM, but I'm hoping we'll work it out for the best of the whole place.

chillas and I have another cat. I rescued her in the parking lot of our last apartment just over two years ago. She's a tiny little black thing, about the size of a 6-8 month old kitten. Her name is Pyewacket but we call her Itty Bitty because of her size.

Nicholas is 9 years old now, and in 3rd grade. His teacher says that he's doing wonderfully in school and that he's a joy to have in class. He visits with chillas and I once a month for the weekend, plus various holidays. He has a cat of his own, named Sprite, that I rescued in his home town at a gas station. She was just a tiny 6 week old kitten that someone pulled out of their engine. Stupidly I offered to take her, and she and Nicholas bonded on the ride home. They're best buddies now, like nothing else I have ever seen.

There really isn't anything else exciting. I haven't done a play in almost 2 years, so I have a horrid feeling I may be done with them. Ah well, I sing a lot in the car so that helps some.

The holidays are coming up, and my SIL and BIL and they're new baby boy will be here for that. Nicholas will be with us from the 26th-1st so we'll get two Christmases!

Oh there you are!

2011-04-20T17:44:00.000-04:00

I had forgotten all about this blog. No, I have nothing interesting to say at the moment, but maybe I will later, now that I found it again.

Neil Patrick Harris and the SNL Orchestra present....

2009-01-15T13:43:00.002-05:00

Neil Patrick Harris and the SNL Orchestra Present...

Thank you to my friend Wes for sending this to me. I love it!

BNL's lyrics

2008-12-10T11:37:00.002-05:00

I love the Barenaked Ladies. They are the most awesome band ever. Their lyrics really catch me, especially certain ones, so I thought I would write some down. I'm sure this will wind up being multiple entries over time, since there's so many cool songs. Sad, insightful, hopeful, giddy and downright depressing, but all wonderful.

And now, some of my favorites...

"Vampires will have to think of some other method cuz without their canines how will they suck?" ~ 7 8 9

"Nothing worth having comes without some kind of fight. Got to kick at the darkness 'til it bleeds daylight." ~Lovers in a Dangerous Time

"In the space between sleep and sleeplessness we redress all our wounds. If we replace all this hopeless hopelessness...then we can rest." ~Half a Heart

"Anyone with half a heart would let me drown. Anyone with half a heart would pull me down. Anyone with half a heart would let me fall. Anyone with half a heart won't care at all. Anyone with half a heart would help me out before they let the other half find out. But if they could see how far I've let you down, anyone with half a heart would let me drown." ~ Half a Heart

Prop 8 -- The Musical

2008-12-04T14:52:00.000-05:00

Warning...seriously funny.

Prop 8 -- The Musical

My personal dewey decimal number

2008-11-24T21:06:00.000-05:00

Liz's Dewey Decimal Section:

977 North central United States

Liz's birthday: 10/01/1976 = 1001+1976 = 2977

Class:
900 History & Geography

Contains:
Travel, biographies, ancient history, and histories of continents.

What it says about you:
You're connected to your past and value the things that have happened to you. You've had some conflicted times in your life, but they've brought you to where you are today and you don't ignore it.

Find your Dewey Decimal Section at Spacefem.com

Yes she does

2008-11-09T15:28:00.001-05:00

see Sarah Palin pictures

Not to take sides, but...

2008-10-03T10:59:00.000-04:00

see Sarah Palin pictures

How long could you survive chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor?

2008-09-30T16:28:00.001-04:00

25 seconds

TAT

2008-08-24T10:22:00.001-04:00

TAT
Originally uploaded by sammykat76

This is, after 8 years, the first really good shot of my tattoo. It's on my right thigh so most people will only ever see it by looking here! ;)

It is based on a petroglyph of a mountain lion that is found in the Petrified National Forest in Arizona.

Flickr

2008-08-12T14:43:00.001-04:00

This is a test post from , a fancy photo sharing thing.

For the animals....

2008-08-06T13:25:00.002-04:00

After yesterday's adventure with the little black kitten I have promised myself to do two things:
1)To become a vet tech, and maybe a vet someday to help as many animals as I can.
2)To help raise awareness for the ASPCA

I'd appreciate your help.

I still have a crush on Doogie after all these years....

2008-07-22T14:13:00.001-04:00

Once again the man proves he is more than just a good looking guy. ;)

In honor of a hero, Michael Monsoor

2008-07-21T09:35:00.004-04:00

Thank you to snopes and Wiki for providing the following information about a true hero. Please click on the snopes link for the most detail and a very moving YouTube video.

I am tired of reading these stories. I am tired of seeing these heroes loose their lives for a pointless and unnecessary war. I have known no one personally who has had the misfortune to be sent over there, and I pray I never will.

I thank every single one of our members of the Armed Forces who have to do this. I pray you all can come home and soon.

Master at Arms Second Class Michael Anthony Monsoor (April 5, 1981 – September 29, 2006) was a U.S. Navy SEAL killed during the Iraq War and posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor.

On September 29, 2006, the platoon engaged four insurgents in a firefight, killing one and injuring another. Anticipating further attacks, Monsoor, three SEAL snipers and three Iraqi soldiers took up a rooftop position. Civilians aiding the insurgents blocked off the streets, and a nearby mosque broadcast a message for people to fight against the Americans and the Iraqi soldiers. Monsoor was protecting his SEAL comrades, two of whom were 15 feet away. His position made him the only SEAL on the rooftop with quick access to an escape route.

A grenade was thrown onto the rooftop by an insurgent in the street below. The grenade hit Monsoor in the chest and fell onto the floor. Immediately, Monsoor fell onto and covered the grenade with his body, saving the lives of his three comrades. Monsoor was critically wounded and, although evacuated immediately, died 30 minutes later. Two SEALs next to him were injured by the blast but lived.

He was buried at Fort Rosecrans National Cemetery in San Diego.

During Monsoor's funeral, as his coffin was being moved from the hearse to the grave site, Navy SEALs were lined up on both sides of the pallbearers route forming a column of two's, with the coffin moving up the center. As Monsoor's coffin passed, each SEAL, having removed his gold Trident from his own uniform, slapped it down deeply embedding the Trident in Monsoor's wooden coffin.

The slaps were audible from across the cemetery. By the time the coffin arrived at grave side, it looked as though it had a gold inlay from all the SEAL tridents pinned to it.

The symbolic display moved many, including President George W. Bush, who during his speech in April's Medal of Honor ceremony spoke about the incident.

"The procession went on nearly half an hour," Bush said. "And when it was all over, the simple wooden coffin had become a gold-plated memorial to a hero who will never be forgotten.”

You remember that Mr. Bush. It is because of you, and your pointless instance to go to war with a country that you didn't need to that this man died. May he be remembered long after you have crumbled to no more than a pathetic footnote in the history books.

Two Lumps...the best comic on the web

2008-07-16T14:59:00.004-04:00

For those of you who don't know about them, I want to introduce you to Eben and Snooch, also known as the Two Lumps.

One of my personal favorites:

You get the idea. ;)

Now go read more! Oh, and don't drink while reading or you'll owe yourself a new keyboard.

BNL's Pollywog in a Bog

2008-07-15T08:49:00.000-04:00

Defiantly worth a watch! From their new "Snacktime" cd.

Not that surprising....

2008-07-11T13:12:00.002-04:00

You are a
Social Liberal
(73% permissive)

and an...
Economic Liberal
(18% permissive)

You are best described as a:

Socialist

Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also : The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

I couldn't say it better if I tried...

2008-07-11T07:48:00.000-04:00

see Obama pictures

Finding fun on YouTube

2008-07-03T08:00:00.003-04:00

So the hubby and I were driving along yesterday, and They Might be Giants came on the XM radio. This got me thinking about two of my favorite Tiny Toones episodes where they did music videos to Particle Man and Istanbul (not Constantinople). Guess what I found on YouTube today? :D

Yay YouTube for giving me my childhood memories. WOOT!

Oops! I didn't mean to scare anyone!

2008-07-01T08:53:00.002-04:00

I am so sorry if anyone got the wrong idea about my last post. No, I am not feeling suicidal, or anything like that. I found the video listed on this week's Post Secret blog and wanted to share it. I didn't know they supported the HopeLine and wanted to let people know about it.

Sorry for the confusion it may have caused!

1-800-SUICIDE The Hopeline

2008-06-30T07:52:00.001-04:00

Ode to a jackass...

2008-06-27T13:31:00.000-04:00

To the exceedingly rude bastard at the movie last night,

Seriously, what the hell was your problem? I'm already a self conscious person. I know I have a loud laugh, but never, never has someone actually come up to me and all but told me to shut up because of it. I'm sorry but "Could you tone down your laugh?" was just insulting. The movie was funny, damn it. I was enjoying myself. Thanks to you I actually held back my laugh for nearly the rest of the movie.

I know it sounds childish, but you hurt my feelings.

You're lucky I didn't get a good look at you, because I would have found you when the lights came up and punched you in the face.

Jackass,

The woman you embarrassed.

Help the SPCA!

2008-06-26T14:02:00.001-04:00

Lol pictures of a different kind...

2008-06-26T10:04:00.009-04:00

Courtesy of Pundit Kitchen. :)

see Obama pictures

Barack Obama">
see Obama pictures

see Obama pictures

see Obama pictures

see Obama pictures

see Obama pictures

see Obama pictures
That one ^ was taken in Cedar Rapids, Iowa. I've seen that building. My SIL and BIL live there! (In Cedar Rapids, not in the building itself!)

see Obama pictures

see Obama pictures
YAY!!

see Obama pictures

see Obama pictures
Visit Pundit Kitchen for more!

Spiders aren't the devil!

2008-06-25T13:38:00.006-04:00

Alright, that's it...I have had it up to here with people and their stupid comments about spiders.

There is a thread on the boards about a spider protecting her babies. I swear, half the damn posts are things like "EW!" "Get the bug bomb" and "AHHHH! Get it off of me!"

Grow up, damn it.

1. It's a picture. It's not going to harm you in any way.
2. You're snopesters for crying out loud! Use some brains and realise that 99.9% of spiders are harmless if left alone.

I understand being creeped out by spiders, snakes, worms, etc. I am not squicked out or scared of any of those things, but I understand it. However...freaking out to the point that you want to kill it for no reason other than it's [i]there[/i] disgusts me. It's not only spiders, but I've seen this attitude towards snakes as well. And 99% of the snakes in the US are harmless too! One snopester even said something to the effect that he kills any snake "just in case". There's two venomous snakes in his state, and far more non venomous ones, so the odds of him actually coming across a venomous one is pretty low. Dumb ass.

Why is it I seem to be the only one who is not okay with this? If someone had the same attitude towards cute little puppy wuppies, they'd be jumped all over and called a monster.

Spiders are beautiful and beneficial to the planet. If I see one in my house I leave it alone so it can catch the flies that creep in during the summer. Where's the harm? Where does this blood lust come from?

There are scary, horrible critters on this planet that I think most of us can agree we could do without. Fleas, ticks, mosquitos, etc. But why are spiders and snakes among those on some people's lists?

I don't get it.

Words of wisdom

2008-06-24T09:12:00.001-04:00

"The Bible is like a person, and if you torture it long enough, you can get it to say almost anything you'd like it to say." -- Rev. Dr. Francis H. Wade, Retired Rector., St. Alban's Episcopal Church.

Laughing at other people

2008-06-23T16:19:00.002-04:00

I'm bad...I just went through some blogs of people I know on myspace and laughed at them and their pettieness. Seriously, did you people ever get past highschool or what?

*sigh*

Some people are just better left behind...

As my friend Tammy is fond of saying "Don't worry about the people in your past; there's a reason they didn't make it into your future."

Stupid people

2008-06-23T16:18:00.001-04:00

Wow...it's amazing the crap people pass around as "true", especially in election years. I'm not sure that passing around things that aren't even true is more scarey than the fact that people would see it is all crap if they would take 5 minutes to actually research it.

Like this gem from snopes.com: Obama is the anti-christ

Obama isn't the anti-christ! For fuck's sake people...you claim to be "right thinking Christians", but you're too stupid to even crack open your own bibles? Even I, as a non-Chrisitan, know that the book of Revelations doesn't say these things. Know how I know? I looked at a bible! I checked online resourced.

Oh, I know, I know, the media is "controlled" by the liberals, and everything on the internet is true. Dummies.

This one is my new favorite though: Obama's book

It's very easy to think Obama is a "scary black liberal" when reading the quotes out of context. And, again, if you got off your lazy butt and did a little, oh I don't know, research, you'd find out the truth. But oh no...those tricky liberals have controll of all the websites except Fauxnews!!1!!! elevnty-one!!!

The funny thing is, I bet that if similar lies were going out there about the conservative canidate, (and there are) I'm sure the right wing nuts would be freaking out about the lies the liberal devils are spreading.

Seriously folks, do some research and pay attention to the facts instead of wading through the bullshit and just taking it.

Whatever happened to free thinking? Seriously.

You have my pity.

More bizare ramblings

2008-06-23T16:17:00.002-04:00

I know most people who read this are going to disagree with me, but here's some random thought about myself that I have to "talk" about.

♦I'm fat. Okay, at least I think I am. I am currently hovering near 160 pounds. This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life, and I hate it. Every day I pull my size 10/medium clothes on, I am reminded that I am 30 pounds heavier than I want to be. I look in the mirror and see nothing but flab and cellutlite and grossness. I can actually put my belly pooch on my desk. Gross.

I don't want to be stick thin, but being able to slip back into a size 6 would be awesome. I want so bad to drink nothing but Slimfast and eat nothing but nummy veggies, but it ain't happening. I crave hamburgers and tacos and chocolate and can't find the energy to work out or even walk. I love to bike and walk, but my knee makes it hard. So I sit and watch movies and mope.

When I'm depressed I don't want to eat, and when I'm manic I want to eat everything I can get my hands on. Now that' messed up. No wonder I can't stabalize my weight.

I'm ugly. "No you're not! You're beautiful!" I hear you cry. No, I'm really not. I have pail skin that shows every scar, blemish, cut, scrape and bruise in vivid detail. If you look at our wedding photos you can see a huge rash on my right leg glowing through my panty hose. I have pimples and black heads all over my face. Not to mention wrinkles, crowsfeet and dark undereye circles.

I have whispy, fine, thick hair that I can never do anything with. It's a bland color, somewhere between redish and brown. With an ugly streak of green in it that will not go away, even though it's been 8 months since I dyed it. I know how to put my hair in a pony tail, semi braid it if it's long enough, and put it half up. That's all I can do with it. If I cut it so it looks awesome at the salon, I'm too lazy to keep it up that way, or can never duplicate it. It used to be half way down my back until last April when I cut it to above my shoulders impulsively. D'oh. And don't get me started on my stupid bangs.

I'm boring. No, seriously, I am. I can act funny and interesting and outgoing and all the other things people seem to like about me, but I don't really feel like any of those things. My mind is so dull I can barely tell a joke. I can never come up with something witty to say until afterwards. I don't actually do anything interesting.

K, no more for now. I'm getting even more depressed.

And I feel petty and stupid as well.

Ramblings of the confused mind (LONG!)

2008-06-23T16:17:00.001-04:00

For about three weeks now I have been in a horrible mixed mood state. For those of you who don't know, that's part of my bipolar disorder. I'm depressed and can barely function, but I'm restless and irritable as hell at the same time. I figured I'd better write some of it out and see if it helps. Not to mention this is a better place for it, as I'm sure my friends on snopes are getting sick of hearing about it.

So, here we go. In no particular order or any sense at all, I present... mostly angry ramblings.

I'm so irritable I want to punch people. Especially a certain person from Canada within the company who is looking *now* for a shipment from here from APRIL that was never delivered. I have told her THREE FUCKING TIMES I have looked for a record of it and have nothing on file. She keeps asking. If it was that damn important, you should have gotten a fucking tracking number. Piss off lady. It's not my fucking fault you're an idiot.

The other woman in Canada who's mad we sent her a free notebook and pen. Yes, she's a customer so she doesn't want it. WTF? So throw it away or write "Refused" and hand it back to the UPS guy. Quit calling me and bitching about it. Dumb ass.

When you (outside people) call and want to talk to someone like the "shipping manager" or some other position that doesn't actually exist in this office, the correct response is not to hang up in a hissy fit. NFBSK you, jackass.

Certain coworkers. Is it really that hard to make a new pot of coffee if you just took the last one? Is it really that hard to put a new roll of paper towls up when you take the last one? Apparently it is. I won't even go in to how spoiled rotten they are.

Oh, and another thing...QUIT THROWING TRASH INTO THE RECYCLING BIN! Oh my fucking DOYC, I am SO sick of pulling banana peels and other such crap out of the bin that is clearly marked "RECYCLABLES ONLY". I swear I am ready to start throwing my stapler, tape dispenser, mobile phone, and anything else I can get my hands on at these people.

DO NOT put a package on my desk for overnight UPS shipment, after UPS has already picked up for the day, and after I have left for the day and then bitch at me that it didn't go out the night before. I am not your den mother; I am not here to take care of you, hold your hand and do every little thing for you. I am the receptionist. I do extra stuff besides my job description because 1) the job is boring. B) I like you as a person and want to help, and iii) you might just catch me in a good mood.

And while we're at it, I don't care who the hell you are, you do not tell me to do something. Ask, request, inquire, and I'll respond in kind and most likely help you if I have the time. Tell me to do something, and you're in for a big surprise.

And another thing...I've been here for six months now. Are you idiots going to actually hire me on as a permanent employee or what? Seriously! This whole office loves me and wants to keep me forever and ever and ever. I know you just did a bunch of layoff, but when 2Q is done and over with, can you at least give it some thought? DOYC knows I do more work than I get paid for around here, I think I deserve at least a little bit of some acknowledgement of that, tyvm.

My "psychiatrist" and the rest of the staff at CAI are morons through and through. I had a suicide attempt last March...haven't had another once since. I've been doing okay, but hated my shrink, so switched to another one. Sometime earlier this year she decides, out of the NFBSKing blue, to stop giving me 30-60 days worth of my medicine at a time. She drops it to every 2 weeks! Her "excuse" is that since I usually do "impulsive" suicide attempts, usually with pills, that I need to have little access to pills. WTF? That is such a screwed up line of thought I can barely wrap my head around it. I pointed out to her that if I did want to try to commit suicide via pills again, I would find something to take, brain meds or no. I also pointed out that taking away my daily brain meds to always have on hand was a very BAD IDEAtm. She didn't agree, so now I (or the hubby) have to pick them up every two weeks. Yeah, in case you hadn't noticed, I WORK at a real job now, and can't just go taking off 2 hours every two weeks to pick the damn things up. Doesn't look too good to the boss.

On a related rant, about a month or so ago I realized that I was going to run out of pills SIX days before I saw the doc again, so I called up their med line to tell them I needed 6 more days to get me through until I saw her? Do you know what they had the audacity to tell me? I wasn't "allowed" to get anymore meds until I saw her again. That's right...even though I was only SIX NFBSKING DAYS away from my appointment, I wasn't "allowed" to have the pills to tide me over until then.

So I went in on one of their horrid walk in days. I was one of the first people to sign in just after 1 o'clock. I wasn't seen until after 3, and this was after the receptionist stuck her head out and said "anyone left for walk-in?" WTF again! So I finally see a doctor; not mine, because she wasn't "available". This guy is a major ass. He sits there and lectures me about cancelling my last appointment (I had Nicholas...I was NOT going to bring him there), and accusing me off being off of my meds because of that. I pointed out to him, angrily, that I had been on my meds continuously, and that I had only ran out that day. He rolls his eyes and says "then let's get you to the nurse." So I had to take an afternoon off for this?! You've got to be kidding me.

The "nurse" gave me exactly 6 days worth of meds, handed them to my husband, because apparently I can't be trusted, and shooed me out the door. Gee, thanks. So now I still had to take yet another day off and keep my original appointment. So I went in there why now? I couldn't have just picked up the 6 days worth why? DOYC damn it. ..

Fast forward six days. My doctor isn't available to see me because she has an emergency case. Okay, I can understand that 100%. I've been in there to see my counselor on a crisis base too, so I can't begrudge that. Thankfully, the receptionist, Harriet, rocks. Instead of making me wait until my doc was done, which could have been hours, she asked me if I wouldn't mind seeing another one. I said okay, and crossed my fingers I wouldn't get the same idiot as last time. She managed to rustled up Dr C, who is a really nice woman. Wish I could have her as my shrink.

So doc C and I talk for awhile, about everything that had been happening in my life. (Hubby had been sick for a bit with some mystery thing that we never figured out, and I was seriously stressing over it.) Other than that, I wasn't too bad. I pointed out to her the flaw in doc T's logic about my meds, and she agreed with doc T. ..

Oh well. She was nice otherwise. When she asked who my case manager (therapist) was, I told her I didn't have one. She looked confused and asked why. I told her that I had J, then was transferred to K. K had told me about a month earlier that she would be leaving the clinic, but would find me another case manager before she left. Guess who didn't do her job? .. So doc C called up the lead recovery case manager, left her a detailed message about what was going on, and asked her to call me.

Thankfully L did call me a couple of days later, and made it a point to meet with me when I saw the doc again in 2 weeks.

I go in the next time and am told my doctor wasn't in that day. Before I can get all pissed off about it, I'm told she's in for emergency surgery for a leaking aneurysm! I really hope she's okay, as I haven't heard anything else since then.

So I wind up seeing a visiting psych NP who is in helping. She's very nice, and we talk for awhile about how crappy I've been feeling, the mixed moods and all that. Instead of suggesting that we tweak the meds I'm already one, she suggests adding a third one. It's an anti-depressant and a sedative, apparently to help me sleep. Uh, okay. So she runs off to talk with the doc about the med to see if she'll write me a script for it. While we're waiting on that, she comes back and asks if she can talk with my husband. Huh? Uh, okay. So she pulls him into her office, and basically goes over with him everything she and I just talked about. Including the importance of making sure I don't get knocked up while I'm on my meds asking him about his observations of me from the last few weeks, and making sure he's willing to "watch over" my meds so I can't overdose on them. .. again.

Naturally he agrees with all of this, tells her the truth, and we go on our merry way to the nurses office to pick up the script and my meds. Guess what? My chart clearly states that I am to get a full month's worth of meds, but she opens the bottles, pulls out two small envelopes, and starts to divide the meds into the two pouches, 14 each. That's right...she didn't bother to actually read my chart. .. I point this out to her and she gives me this completely confused look, and finally reads my chart. So she starts all over. While she's doing this, she realizes that there isn't a full month's worth there; there's only 25 days. Great, just great. So now I have to make an appointment with the doc for 3 weeks later, instead of 4. Yippee. She puts the bottles in a little baggy, hands them to hubby, and we're finally out of there.

I go up to the window to make another appointment. While we're finishing that, the phone rings for the receptionist. It's Lee. I had totally forgotten about her! So we sit down and wait for Lee to come get me. It turns out she's a very nice, down to earth, straight talking kind of woman who doesn't pull any BS on you. We talked for about 45 minutes, and she actually paid attention to what I was saying and feeling, unlike the NP. No lectures or anything. It was great. She promised she'd find a case manager for me, but would take care of me until she did so I wasn't left hanging again. Apparently they're a bit understaffed at the moment (big surprise there), but at least I know I have someone to talk with now.

Finally out...run to Target to pick up my prescription, get a pizza to munch on and head home. Play some Wii, love on the kitties, etc. I take my pill at bed time and conk out almost immediately. Yay sleep.

Not so yay the next day. Husband almost literally had to drag me out of bed. I can barely remember anything between that and getting to work. When I did manage to get upstairs to the office I remember turning off the alarm (thank goodness I did that!), balled my sweater into a pillow and fell asleep for almost an hour. I didn't fully wake up until probably around 2 or so. And that was about a thousand cups of coffee. I swore there was no way in hell I was taking that med again. And get this...that's the lowest dose!

Hubby's been giving me half an Ambien at night to help me sleep. It's only 5mg that way, and I'm still kinda dopey when I wake up.

Let's see, what else?

Ah, yes...the left knee is acting up again. I had a scope surgery on it last March that was supposed to fix the problems I was having. Guess what? It didn't take. At least I got a different ortho this time. His name is Dr Flannigan, and I always

Anyway, he looked at my MRI shots from before the last surgery, and the ones he had taken, and basically told me my surgery didn't take, and that I'm going to need work done again. First step is to get physical therapy done. Except my crappy ass insurance company doesn't cover PT. So now I have to wait until I'm on the hubby's insurance, hope they won't turn me down for it being a "pre existing" condition, and go from there. I may also get lubrication injections. *shudder* Basically it's getting a shot right into the joint of a synthetic lubrication, over the course of 3 or 4 weeks. It can last from 6-10 months, then you have to do it all over again.

The other options to explore are another scope surgery, mostly to help fill in the place that didn't get fully filled in last time. The very last, majorly drastic action is a surgery called Carticel. Warning: DO NOT click on that link unless you want to see actual pictures of the procedure. I'll sum it up as they cut your leg open, insert some kind of goo that's supposed to heal you up, and then sew you back up. Basically it's one step below total knee replacement. I'm too young for that!

Then there's the wrist. We were in a car accident in September (totaled our car). I was holding the steering wheel when we got hit, and my wrists have bothered me ever since. I've had to roll them to pop and crack them to make them feel better. I did it about 3 weeks ago and the joint where my thumb and wrist meet in my right hand snapped. Sounded like a gun shot. So off to yet another ortho. He stuck me in a wrist/thumb splint and will see me again for it July 1st.

And now, back to the brain...

I have been in a bad mixed state lately, and I feel I'm getting worse. Hubby can still make me laugh, and the kitties make me feel better, but most of the time my brain is either racing like and Indy car, or blank. Not the good kind of blank, but just wiped clean with not comprehensive thoughts at all. I've had to leave work early both yesterday and Monday because I couldn't take it. Today I hid in the bathroom and bawled for about 15 minutes. I blamed my red and puffy eyes on allergies, which I don't even have.

There seems to be so much sadness around. Auntie Witch's mom seems to be finally losing her battle with cancer. I don't know them personally, but it breaks my heart all the same. I want to do something to help so bad, but they're in MO. A couple of months ago I mailed her a really cool advertisement I found in a magazine that showed a woman beating a drum, all in pink. She liked it.

At snopes we have a rubber fish that we mail around to each other. mrs hi-c and I joked about getting it started the first time we met in person, and wound up getting Thwacky at the very first MI/OH snopes meet in 2005 at the Toledo Zoo. Unfortunately the original Thwacky was lost somewhere in Europe, but we got it started again with Thwacky II. I'm the one sort of in charge of it, so I'm getting the pictures and exploits from his lodgers and putting them in the blog. I received the ones from Lisa yesterday. She is the daughter of mgbdriver, who we lost to cancer last year. She sent the pictures with little descriptions and all that good stuff; they had a good time showing Thwacky II around. Then I got to the last picture; it was Thwacky with mgb's grave. I bawled, and I'm not the only snopester who did. I met him once, and he's been gone less than a year, but I cried so hard seeing that.

mgb was on the list to host the fish, but it never got to him, so we wanted to include his family if they were willing. I'm so glad they did.

Of course with these two sad events, my brain is going into overdrive about all the other people I've lost or miss. It's been over 8 years and I still miss my grandparents like it was just yesterday. The guilt over not keeping my promise to Grandma still lingers over me, every day.

I miss my dad. When my folks were here for the wedding, I desperately wish I could have just spent all six days with him. He's my rock, and I miss him so much since they live in NM, and I live out here. I've seen them 5 times since I moved in October 2000.

I miss my son. He's only (?) 300 miles away, I hate every day that I can't be with him. His father is a NFBSKing @$$hole. He may "act" nice once in awhile, but I know better. I know I made the 100% right decision to move down here, not only to be with my love, but because it was better for me overall. But my heart aches for my kid.

Plus with the instability of my mixed moods, if I don't do something about it before next month, having him in the summer is going to be hell. He's supposed to be with us for 6 weeks. I don't know if I can survive.

I talked with Lee yesterday, and told her about what the other drug did to me and how I was feeling worse and worse. She suggested I go to NetCare, which is the local crisis place. Part of me knows it's the right thing to do, part of me is screaming "hell no", even though I know that staying there would be 100% voluntary. They could work on my meds and let me rest. I'm scared to be away from hubby and the kitties though; they're the only real comfort I have right now. That and I don't think I could sleep without them.

But it is better than letting myself slide into a deepening hole. Today, when I was hiding in the bathroom I felt so bad and hopeless that the very first, tiny thought of suicide crossed my mind. It was brief, and not serious, but scary all the same. I don't want to die...but I want a rest. I want my brain to just shut the hell up and let me feel okay. I can't say normal or cured, because there is no such thing with being bipolar. There just isn't.

I feel so "dead" I can barely get through work. I get so wound up I can't sit still. I walk too damn fast, I don't want to eat, sleeping is hard, and yet I want to do nothing but cry. Or the other extreme of screaming at people and throwing things.

And the brain...oh the brain. Racing racing racing like an over active mouse on speed. Want to know what it's like? Put a movie on your dvd player and make it go forward as fast as possible. Now put the sound in there too. And be sure to use a split screen, with four different screens so it's all going on at once. Then suddenly bring it all to a sudden halt and black it all out with nothing but white noise. That's my brain. And this is on my meds! Is it any wonder why I want to punch my doctor? Instead of finding out why the current meds aren't working, let's just keep everything the same and add another one! Good thinking there doc. Dipshit. ..

And the distractions. Lawd, if I didn't know better, I'd think I had ADD. I'll be walking along, driving, whatever, and I'll see an animal, and I totally focus on it and forget what I'm supposed to be doing. I was in a meeting with my two other close coworkers about two weeks ago. We were in the conference room with the nice big windows having the meeting, an a Swallowtail butterfly flew past the window. (We're on the fourth floor, so that makes it even cooler), and I blurted out "Butterfly!" in the middle of R talking about stuff. Talk about embarrassed. .. At least the two of them kinda understand. The three of us have a really good working relationship, as well as personally taking care of each other. have to pronounce it with a Scottish accent.

Oh! That's another thing. Our new "admin", she drives me nuts! She brought a bunch of "work" here with her from the office she transferred from (corp. in CA), so she doesn't have the "time" to help us out with everything we need help with up here. We have two offices in this building, fourth floor (main sales and marketing) and first floor (other stuff). They moved her downstairs after one week of being up here. She's supposed to help the sales admin, R, how? What a bunch of bull. And her first week here the four of us had a meeting where she told R that she and R, according to our boss H, were supposed to "manage" me and N. For one thing, N doesn't even work under our boss H. For another, there is no way in hell I've worked here fine on my own for 6 months to have someone come in, who doesn't even know how our office runs, and "manage" me. Granted, she hasn't tried to actually do this, and it'd better stay that way. I don't mind working I don't think so. I'm a receptionist, and I've basically been doing the work of an admin for 4 of my 6 months. I don't need anyone to tell me how to do my job.

Oh for some sense of normalcy in my life. Or at least less irritability. I even feel myself close to snapping at poor hubby sometimes, even though he's not doing

We spent last weekend in MI with BeanSprout and the hi-c family. Their little girl, Gillian, uber cute. I spent way more time trying to play with her than I should. .. And of course, even though BeanSprout was his perfect self, I found myself snapping at him way too much, and wanting to just get away from him. I know If I don't get at least a little better, and soon, I will never survive the six weeks this summer. Talk about guilt. with other people, but being "managed"? anything worth snapping at. I've managed not to so far, but even the thought of it makes me feel bad. And around and around the moods go. I'm not, but I felt like such a bad mama.

Now this is weird. I'm sitting her typing this, and suddenly I feel like I'm trying to work through molasses. I'm a fast typer and I can hardly get my fingers to move. The world suddenly slowed down…everything is slow. Weird. Hope I can snap out of it by the time I get home.

It's a good thing I'm an acomplished actress. No one at work as noticed anything, except the one person I've told. I act all cheerful and happy and outgoing and like my "normal" self they're used to seeing here. I wonder what they would all think of me if they knew that under this smiling face there was a woman who wants to do nothing more than hide and bawl and never, ever, deal with anyone or anything? Someone who wants to throw things and scream and yell and drive a million miles an hour around the world for no reason other than try to escape. Would they care? Would I scare them? Who know.

Ye gawds but what a long blog. Did anyone make it all the way through I wonder? If anyone did make it this far, thanks. Sorry it's rambling and confusing and just plain weird. But I feel a bit better for getting it out. There will probably be more later.

We're turning into crazy cat people!

2008-05-29T11:32:00.004-04:00

We have a new kitten. :) His name is Nibbler, and he's adorable. See?

We must be insane, but we don't care much. :D

We were at Petsmart about a month ago, and this little cutey was part of the local adoption center's weekly showcase. They have kitties there all the time, but on the weekends they bring in more. We played with him for awhile; he crawled all over us, nommed our fingers, let us give him scritches. We talked about it, but though "we can't have a fourth cat! That's nuts!" So we left Nibbler, thinking someone would adopt him soon. He was too cute to not be adopted!

Imagine our surprise when we came back two weeks later to find him still there! We played with him some more, and one of the volunteers was heavily hinting that Nibbler wanted us to take him home. On a whim I filled out an application (they screen potential adopted which I think is great), while Nibbler watched to make sure I filled it out right, had chillas sign it, and for the next week anxiously waited to hear from them.

Finally we got the call that we were going to be able to take him home. We met his foster mom at a Barnes & Noble and brought him home with us.

We brought him into the house, and Max and Sprite sniffed around the carrier but there was no growling or hissing, so we let Nibbler out after awhile. Smokey, of course, watched from afar, all haughty and whatnot.

Nibbler wandered around the apartment, sniffing and checking things out, with Sprite and Max right behind him. By the end of the evening all three of them were playing. :)

He has been a perfect editition to our family. Nicholas is totally in love with him.

Nibbler has a very weird attraction to water. Not only does he drink it out of their regular bowl, but he'll lick it off of the side of a glass, out of the faucet, and even off of faces and toes! Very strange. The last time Nicholas was with us, Nibbler sat on the edge of the tub while he was taking a bath, and had about a quarter of his tail in the bath water. He didn't even seem to care!

He likes to sleep by nesting in my hair at night, which causing some conflicts since Smokey likes to sleep by my head. But often he'll move around and sleep on Joe's chest, neck, belly, or by his knees. Sometimes he just sits and purrs. His favorite toys are my little elastic pony tail holders and my hair if I hang it in his face.

He's silly and we love him. :) Yay kitties!

Letters I wish I could send...or at least know they'd get read

2008-05-29T11:22:00.001-04:00

Bipolar disorder,

I hate you. Why have you suddenly stopped responding to the meds? I'm in a major mixed mood state right now and I hate it. Especially since I'm a rapid cycler! One minute I'm agitated and restless as hell and have to get up and move. The next I'm in a slump and want to do nothing except hide under the covers and sleep and sleep and sleep. I don't want to eat in either state, and goodness knows that's not a good idea.

I don't see the "doctor" until the 11th, and I already know she's going to be useless as usual. I'm really tired of her not giving me a month's worth of drugs, but two weeks at a time. BS! What if I can't get there on the right day to pick up the next week's worth? We both know darn well what happens if you miss even a day. And the way it is right now, it would be even worse.

Stop, please. I don't need this right now. I just can't handle another major shift.

Me

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Crappy insurance company...

See that letter above? You see how crappy my treatment is? It's your fault. You know why? Because you don't believe mental illness is a "real" disease. You'll hand out medications and treatment for everything as long as it's physical and can be seen and tested. Me and thousands, hell, millions like me are left out in the cold to go to publicly funded, over worked, understaffed clinics.

Mental illness is just as real as high blood pressure, diabetes, cancer, and every other disease you cover.

We deserve the proper treatment, damn it. Get with the program and help instead of hinder.

No love,
Me

The joys of the willfully ignorant

2008-04-28T12:35:00.003-04:00

So I receive this random email from a "friend" the other day:

A friend of mine sent this to me. It is definitely food for thought.

According to The Book of Revelations the anti-christ is:
The anti-christ will be a man, in his 40s, of MUSLIM descent, who will deceive the nations with persuasive language, and have a MASSIVE Christ-like appeal....the prophecy says that people will flock to him and he will promise false hope and world peace, and when he is in power, will destroy everything. Is it OBAMA??
I STRONGLY URGE each one of you to repost this as many times as you can! Each opportunity that you have to send it to a friend or media outlet...do it!

I refuse to take a chance on this unknown candidate who came out of nowhere.

My reply:

Do yourself a favor. You're supposed to be a teacher, right? Try educating yourself.

Barack Obama is *NOT* a Muslim. Yes, his father was, but he is NOT. He is a Christian.

He did not "come out of nowhere". He served in the as Illinois state senator for several years, and is now the state Representative.

Of course he has appeal...he's smart, charismatic, and actually gives a damn about fixing this country from the crap mess that Bush has put us in in the last 8 years.

The fact that you are willing to pass on this tripe without even bothering to research is disgusts me.

http://www.politifact.com/truth-o-meter/statements/415/

Her oh so mature response?:
Whatever!!

Me again:

Nice and mature response. So being ignorant and immature is preferable to finding out the facts? Whatever indeed.

Here again:

Ofcourse you would choose to believe what the media says when in fact you should research his past. Try the minister he new for 20 years.... You call him a good christian????????? Look in the pictures of his office, do you see an American flag?????? I don't... You need to get your head out of the sand and your ass and do the math your self.... And don't E-mail me anymore.... :(

Ah yes, teh debil...the liberal media. Uh huh.

Me: I don't believe the "media", I believe the FACTS. So he doesn't have an American flag hanging in his office? And? Do you have one plastered all over your work place and home? One planted waving freely in your yard? Wear one every day? That doesn't make you a patriot, it makes you a zealot.

You're basing a man on a pastor he knew? One he has denounced?

He's a better Christian than you. I've never heard him say someone should be strung up and left to die because he or she said something negative about a "soldier".

Grow up, Cris, seriously.

I will gladly never email you again. Your kind of ignorant bigotry is something I do not need in my life.

I feel sorry for your children and the ones you teach. Oh the lies you are putting into their little heads.

And then I blocked her. Mind you, this is the same woman who, in my "Why Don't I Learn" blog, was the one who thought that I should be "strung up and left to die" after the little ex-husband lie machine got going on the LHS page. She "apologized" to me online after that, and tried to send out an olive branch, but it's obvious she hasn't gotten past her high school days. I see that maturity level matches.

Ah, the willfully ignorant. They're dangerous, but at least they're good for a laugh from time to time.

Oh, and two days later, using her husband's account she emails me again with something along the lines of: "I don't have time to debate this with you." Debate? Huh? That's like debating water is wet. Puhleeze. Oh, and of course snopes has a page on it now. ;) http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/antichrist.asp

A most beautiful wedding

2008-04-28T12:34:00.001-04:00

April 12th, 2008. Finally, the day I was able to marry my best friend, my chillas.

It was such a beautiful day. We were supposed to have it outside, but it was freezing cold, so we moved it to the reception site. But who cares?! All of our family and friends were there, and it was amazing. Lots of our "imaginary" friends from snopes were there, as well as our family members, and other various people we cared about.

My dad and Nicholas walked me down the asile to Joe. I was shaking so bad, I could barely walk! Dad handed me over to Joe and said "take her before she has a nervous breakdown." Our minister, Kris, did a beautiful job. Joe and I wrote our own vows. I was almost crying through the whole thing, and I know I had several of our friends in tears.

The whole thing was done in about 10 minutes, but it was so fabulous to finally be married to each other! I am still over the moon about it, and I'm sure I will be for a long time to come.

My SIL, Kristie, made the world's most beautiful, and delicious cake:

There's more pictures here if you'd like to see them. And there's more to come!

Lady's and gentlemen: Mr and Mrs Vasquez.

Monday, January 14, 2008 ~ Why don't I learn?

2008-04-28T12:33:00.001-04:00

Some of you may remember the blog I posted regaurding my ex-husband's wife contacting me through here in '06. After that little incident, I figured I was done with them. Oh no! He contacted me through here this time. This time through the LHSflagpole myspace page. A place where all of us friends from HS could get together and relive the glory days of our youth. Blech.
This is what he messaged to me:

I know I did some mean and nasty stuff to you and all tho I want to appologize, It seems that you aren't willing to hear me out. For what it's worth part of me wisshes we could have worked it out...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

I'm sorry

..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Dave

P.S. I'm being deployed soon would like to talk on phone if your willing will give you my later.

Here's what I said back: (Warning, not nice)

*SOME* mean and nasty stuff? You're joking, right? Our entire relationship, from start to finish, was a huge mess. Screaming, yelling, threatening...not to mention you cheating on me. Yeah, I'd say you did "some" stuff.

The time to apologize was years ago. After you actually did those things. Not years later, especially when you're married with two kids.

You're right; I'm not overly willing to hear you out. Why should I? You caused pain and humiliation. You caused me to lose jobs and respect. Your wife contacting me last year gave me fits. Here I am, hoping your corpse is rotting in some landfill somewhere, and out of the blue you pop back into my life. And not only that, I read her blog, and "someone" is calling me a pathological lier. Who do you think that could have been? You perhaps? And now you want to make peace?

And you still wish, after nearly 10 years, that we could have worked out. Maybe you should have thought of that 10 years ago, before we got divorced.

Your mother hated, your father tried to sleep with me, you were mean and nasty to my cats, tried to keep me away from my friends, and tried to get me knocked up when I didn't want kids. But you still wish it could have worked out. Better hope you're wife doesn't hear you say that.

As for being deployed, please tell me someone didn't actually let you rejoin the military. God help the country.

I hope you step on a land mine.

Was the land mine comment over the top? Probably. Did I mean it? Not 100%.
Imagine my surprise when I see these comments on the LHSflagpole myspace page:
i received this email from Dave and was asked to pass it on to all of you. i still hold to a neutral status with everyone and refuse to get into the middle of things.

Dear Gang,

I received a very disturbing Email from one of our bunch yesterday. While I'm not wanting to do this, it's been made clear that my contact with eveyone is "UNWELCOME" I wont insult any of you with the details, but to put it nicely I"m an intruder who "has got some nerve speaking to any of " their "friends" . You've all known me for a long time, I just hope that I will be spoken of in a kind way from time to time. I miss you all and shall continue to do so.

ADIOS AMIGOS,
Your friend under the radar

DAVE

P.S. I'm Sorry I've Been a Burden

As you can see from my response, I never said anything that he said I did. Nice to see his lying skills are still running at 100%
Here's another one, responding to that one:
This is in response to Dave's letter. I think that the person who sent a crule letter to him saying such mean things should be strung up and left to die. But Morgan wants me to raise above and forgive so I will. I know who did it and I forgive you for your moment of rash thinking and that you are not really an uncaring person who would knowingly tell a militay man going to IRAQ that you want them to step on a mine and die. THis page is for all of us to reunite and forget old grudges so I just ask that you do that. If you do not like him do not talk to him, but do not tell him that we can not. lots of love cris
She forgives me. How sweet. He didn't ruin my favorite pair of jeans! He hurt me, physically and emotionally. And I can't believe they let him back into the military. He got dishonorably discharged from the Navy. Who the hell lets someone like that back in?!

Here's another one:

Dave, I didn't know you that well, but what I did get to see was that you are a wonderful, supportive, loyal friend. I hope that you will continue to hang with us here, and walk down the memory lanes with us We are all adults here, even if just pretending cause we have to.... everyone needs to grow up, or at least pretend, so that we can have this little "play date" K.
Here was my response to all of them:

To hell with you all. Aparently it was okay for him to hit me, rape me, cause me to loose jobs and play parts, cheat on me, and make my life a living hell. Here I thought I could reconnect with some friends from HS. Best four years of my life my ass.
Nice of my "friends" to check with me and see if anything he said was true before blasting me all over that page.
So, as I said...to hell with you. I knew that page was a bad idea. Guess I was right.

Thursday, December 27, 2007 ~ The best holiday in years

2008-04-28T12:32:00.000-04:00

ust a few days after Christmas, 1999, my grandfather passed away from congestive heart failure. Since then, none of the last Holidays have felt right. From Easter to Thanksgiving, and, of course, Christmas. I moved away from my parents that next year after marrying my (now) ex-h, Although I was married to him, I never felt like a "part" of his family. Even after having BeanSprout, I could never fully recapture that family holiday feeling.

Last year was chillas' and mine's first Christmas together. Even though we had BeanSprout, and spent it with his family, I still felt like an outsider. I wasn't sure where BeanSprout and I fit into the dynamic yet. We had just gotten engaged at Thanksgiving. It's not that we didn't like each other, or didn't get along or anything. I just didn't feel quite, well, a "part" of them yet. And of course I was worried about where the BeanSprout fit into all of this.

Then, this year, something magical happened...

chillas and I sent out Christmas cards to everyone this year, and we included a pic of the BeanSprout. Some people got one with him from this year's snopes meet. Others got that and a school picture. chillas' parents were in the second group. We went over to their place on Saturday to help put up the tree. While we were hanging out on the couch, waiting for his folks, chillas pointed to their entertainment center. His mom has a lot of her collection of Precious Moments figures up there. Up among the figures, for everyone to see, were BeanSprout's pictures. And his school pic was propped up on one called "There's Always Room for One More".

I have no words to describe the feeling that came over me at that moment. Other than to say that, besides crying some of the happiest tears ever, I suddenly realised I have a family again. Not just me, chillas and the BeanSprout, but chillas' family. I am not just chillas' fiance anymore. The BeanSprout is not just chillas' "little buddy". We are family. Fully and truly family. For the first time in seven years, I have a family again. Not the semi-forced family that some people get when they get married, but a true family. People that I genuinely love and care for, and know that they love and care for me and my son. I haven't felt this way since my grandparent's passed away. I couldn't imagine a better present for the holidays. Or any time for that matter.

I thank the DOYC above, (below, sideways), for this gift. It is one I will truly treasure forever...

Friday, December 14, 2007 ~ OMG!! I got a job!!

2008-04-28T12:31:00.000-04:00

I am beyond excited. I am writing this from work! That's right, I gots me a job! And not just any job. A real, grown up job!

I left the Home Depot back in September, because I was informed that I wasn't "allowed" to take a second weekend off in one month. Now the only reason I ever asked for a weekend off was usually because it was to spend time with the BeanSprout. This time I had requested time off for our usual weekend, plus time to spend with him for his birthday, Thanksgiving and Christmas. They denied all three requests, telling me that I would have to pick the one I wanted more. Sorry, but you don't just tell a mom she can't see her kid. Especially since I see him so rarely as it is! So, I handed in my keys and walked out at the end of my shift.

I took a week or so for time to myself, and then actively started looking for a job. I submitted resume after resume. I filled out application after application. I managed to get a few interviews, late last month, but not a single job offer. Needless to say, I was getting very frustrated.

Fast forward to this Monday. chillas and I got home from a small shopping trip when his phone rang. It was a gal named Suzanne, and she was looking for me. Turns out she's from a job placement agency that I had applied to way back in the beginning of October. She wanted to know if I was still looking for work. I told her I was. She asked if I would be interested in a receptionist job with a company called Quest Software. Of course I was! So she gathered some basic information, and told me she was going to forward my resume to the HR, then call the person and discuss it with her, and she'd call me back.

So we sit around waiting for the phone to ring again. Half an hour later it does. Suzanne says to me the most beautiful words ever: "How would you like to start tomorrow?" Very calmly I said yes, but the second I was off the phone with her, I started jumping around the house, whooping and screaming like a mad woman.

So I wandered into this company Tuesday morning, nervous as all get out, and it turns out that I think I may have landed practically a dream job. I'm still in shock, even three days later. The gal who I replaced actually got promoted, so she spent her time training me for a couple of days. She said she was so impressed that I caught on so quickly. By the time the first day was over, I was already a whiz on the phones, and was mailing packages off to the main office. Yesterday she was so happy with me; she moved all of her stuff out, and into her new cube. Which means the desk/receptionist area is officially mine now! I've been spending my down time organizing things just the way I want them, and cleaning out junk that doesn't belong here anymore. New receptionist, new rules.

I have a work email address, access to here and my personal email, which is nice, and all the free coffee and fruit I could want!

The hours are perfect. Monday through Friday, 8 to 5. Which means I have every weekend off to spend with chillas, and no trouble getting time off to spend with the BeanSprout! I might even be able to see him more often now. The pay is good too. And after I work 520 hours with the temp company, I will have a chance to be hired on as a permanent employee. And with Susan's backup (she's the gal I replaced), I'm sure to get a good recommendation to be kept on. Even the main boss's admin likes me and says I'm doing great. Suzanne told me that on my first day, she got three different emails from people, telling them how great they thought I was. Talk about an ego boost!

This is such a huge weight off my shoulders. I can't even begin to express how happy I am about this. I couldn't have asked for a better job if I tried. And the really cool thing, chillas now works about a mile away from me, so we can car pool and get together for lunch from time to time.

I am over the moon about this!

I wanted to thank everyone who helped me with my resume, and the folks who've been sending me vibes and good wishes. I know in my heart that you guys made a difference. Thank you all so much. I love my "imaginary" friends.

Cookies and margaritas for everyone, on me!!!!111!!!

*jumps around the room, squealing and doing the Snoopy dance*

Saturday, November 17, 2007 ~ My therapist

2008-04-28T12:25:00.001-04:00

My therapist, councler, whatever, is a pretty nice gal. However, she has this really annoying habit of tilting her head to the side and nodding. Not just while she's listening to me, but she continues to do it after I'm done talking. She just sits there, staring at me and bobbing her head, like she's not aware I'm done talking or something.

Today on icanhascheezburger.com I found a picture that seriously reminds me of her. All it would need would be glasses and rediculously high heels and it'd be her.

Thursday, November 01, 2007 ~ Finally, a wedding date!

2008-04-28T12:24:00.000-04:00

My sweetie, chillas, and I have been engaged for almost a year now. We had originally set the date for September 8th of this year. Unfortunatly the place we had picked out, The Columbus Zoo, pulled a switcheroo on us, and informed us that they now had a $5000 minimum! We don't know enough people to have that kind of wedding. I guess I could have put an open invitation in a myspace bulliten or something. ;)

So...we think about this for awhile, and decide to have it on March 15th of 2008, since it's the weekend closest to our dating anniversary, St. Patrick's Day. I told my ex husband about the date, and he was agreeable at first to let my five year old son come down for the wedding. Then he suddenly has a snit fit, and decides that since it's not a regular scheduled visit for Nicholas, he can't come down! Jackass. I think he just didn't want us to have Nicholas for three weekends in a row, since we get Easter this year as well.

Naturally we're ticked as all get out. Nicholas has to be at the wedding! He already knows we're getting married, and wants to be there with us. So we decide to plan the wedding, begrudginly, around Nicholas' (read, ex-h's) schedule. That means it will have to be either March 8th or April 12th. We can't push it any farther back than the last weekend of April, because my parent have already bought their plane tickets, and need to use them by then or they loose them.

Suddenly, while driving in the car yesterday, I got an idea. (ping!) We get Nicholas for his spring break next year. So why not plan the wedding around that? I run to the computer, bring up his school's web site, and voila...he has spring break the first full week of April, and the weekend before and after. Meaning that not only will we have him for 10 whole days, but he'll be able to visit with his grandparents and be a part of the wedding. And there's not a damn thing his father can do about it to keep him from comming! Because if he does, he's going to get in huge trouble with the courts. Plus I'll drive up there and beat him to death with a sledge hammer. ;)

Calloo, callay. We have a wedding date. Now all we need to do is find a place to have it.

Oooo...and another wonderful thing. We've already picked out our wedding bands, and they're just beautiful. Mine's a white gold ring with diamonds all over the top of the band, and his is a titanium band with a thin gold rim on top and bottom. Gorgeus. We were planning on using my grandma's wedding band for mine, (It's 72 years old), but the jeweler said that in order to size it up for me, they'd have to stretch it, and it could possibly break. I told them "don't do it!" I'd rather have it as a keepsake then take the chance of breaking it.

We also had to get me a new engagement ring, since mine litteraly went down the drain about a month ago. But the new one is sooooooooo pretty. It has a very antique look to it, made up of little tiny princes cut stones. And it matches perfectly with the band that the wonderful jewerly gal helped us pick out. (Yeah Kay Jewelers!) I can't wait to wear mine, and to put chillas' on him.

Just over 4 months to go. I already have my dress, we know who we want to cater it (we're off to a meeting with them today), we meet with a florist on Saturday, and our photographer is all lined up. Now all we need is a place for the ceremony and reception...the hardest parts. I know we should have done that first, but we're not exactly traditional, I guess you could say.

Squee!!! I can't wait! *does Snoopy dance*

When the sweetest kitty ever was lost ~ Sunday, February 25, 2007

2008-04-28T12:17:00.002-04:00

His name was Twitch, and he was the sweetest cat on the earth.

I adopted him less than two years ago after my cat Sam passed away. I was looking on an animal adoption site, saw his picture, and immediatly fell in love. I needed a cat that was good with other cats, kids, and dogs. A hard thing to find, but Twitch had it all. When I went to visit him at the shelter, he seemed to know I was there just for him. He rolled around and rubbed against me, all purrs and kitty smiles. So home with me he came.

He and his sister didn't get along so well at first. He just wanted to be friends, but she would have nothing to do with it. She'd just hiss at him. It took some time, but eventually I caught her washing his head one day, and I knew that things would be alright.

Twitch went through quite a bit in the short time I had him. When I adopted him, he came to live with just me and Smokey in my little apartment. Sometime thereafter I moved in with my then boyfriend, who also had two dogs. Then, a few months later, I moved back out, and it was just the three of us again. My finance came up quite often to see me, and Twitch just fell in love with the guy. (Always trust your pets). Then in July of last year Twitch, Smokey and I all moved down here to Ohio. A couple of months after that we moved into a bigger apartment. And a couple of months ago we adopted another cat, just so Twitch would have someone to play with.

Our little family was perfect. Twitch had Smoke to bug, and Max to play with. He had two people to love on, and people who loved him.

He was such a lover cat. Always sitting on our laps, and jumping on the bed to sleep with us. Usually he'd jump on chillas, then wiggle his way down inbetween us to sleep. He always had to be with his people.

Yesterday was a day like any other. He was playing with his brother, bothering his sister. I didn't have to be at work until 1, so we had a lazy Saturday morning. We even took a nap around 11 or so. Sometime between that and waking up around noon, Twitch passed away. He wasn't sick, and as far as we can tell, he didn't get into anything that would have posioned him. We found him lying on his side under our bed. We took his body to an emergency vet place, and they said they would take care of him for us.

I'm still in shock. Had he been sick or old, this probably wouldn't hurt so much. But he was a young cat, only 7 and 1/2, and in perfect health, so we thought. I don't know what happened to him. The lady at the clinic suspected heart attack. He did look like he just fell over. I'm hoping whatever it was that it was quick and painless.

He deserved better than this. He deserved to live a long life, and to die peacfully after becoming old and cranky. Not so young, and not 3 feet away from his people, who didn't even know.

I don't know how I'm going to tell Nicholas about this. Twitch was his kitty. Smokey can't stand Nicholas, and hides from him. And Max is still new, and they haven't had a chance to get to know each other yet. But Twitch was always there to greet Nicholas at the door when he came to visit. Always rubbed up against him and would love on him and let Nicholas squeeze him and hold him. I don't know what I can say to him. I hope he can understand.

Twitch was the second best cat I've ever had. The first being Sam. I feel so blessed to have two such wonderful cats in my life, but I wonder why they were both taken away so early, and so suddenly. It's such a hard thing to go through.

It's been less than 24 hours, and I'm still in shock. I can't believe he's gone. We'll never know why either.

I'm hoping that Max and Smokey will learn to get along, or Max may have to go, and I don't want to loose another cat. I got Twitch to keep Smokey company after Sam died, and they did get along so well, after that initial adjustment period. But Smokey's old and cranky, and Max is a kitten who just wants to play. I don't know if they'll ever get along. I hope so.

I know I'm rambling, I can't help it. I still can't believe he's gone. It just doesn't seem possible that a perfectly healthy cat simply died. We were asleep for less than 2 hours, and somehow he passed away. I feel guilty. Like if I had been awake, maybe he wouldn't have died. Or at least not died alone on the floor. I know that there's probably nothing we could have done, even if we had been awake, but there's always that feeling of guilt.

I miss you Twitch, so much. You'll always hold a special place in my heart. Rest in peace.

Holy cow!

2008-04-28T12:15:00.001-04:00

Wow, but it's been a long time since I posted! Sheesh. Guess it's time to catch up, isn't it? So the next few blogs will do that, I hope.

We have a new kitty!

2006-12-05T07:57:00.000-05:00

chillas and I had been talking about adopting a new cat for awhile. Well, Saturday we took the BeanSprout to PetsMart, just for a looksee. We came across this guy. Meet Max! chillas fell in love immediatly. So we decided to bring him home. And he already fits right in with our goofy little family. He and Twitch are already playing with each other. Smokey, however, hisses at him, but he gives it right back to her. I think they'll all be alright in the end.

He was adopted from one of the local no kill shelters. He had been rescued from a kill shelter at about 6 weeks old, and was put into a foster home. He's now 5 months old, and has the same birthday as our other cats! It must be ment to be.

I'm engaged!

2006-11-23T11:43:00.000-05:00

That's right, I'm engaged! My sweetheart, chillas, proposed to me on Saturday. It was so sweet. We were sitting on the couch, cuddled up with our kitty cat in our lap, and he said "Honey, can I ask you a question?" And I thought "oh dear." But he pulled out the ring and said "Will you marry me?" Of course I said yes. :) I love this man more than anything.

I'm so happy! We've talked about getting married, just kind of in passing, but this was the real deal. The ring is beautiful, of course. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v43/sunflowerblue29/ring.jpg

We told my dad the other night, and told chillas' family last night. They are all so happy for us.

I'm on cloud nine.

Who needs "friends" when you've got enemies?

2006-10-30T11:09:00.000-05:00

At least, that was the title of the blog I read this morning. (Well, she spelled it enamies, but you get the point.) My abusive ex husband's wife contacted me recently. Needless to say, it upset me greatly. I mean, who wouldn't it upset? I have spent the last 8 years of my life trying to forget that pathetic asshole and what he did to me. It was the worst mistake of my life...the worst two years of my life. The best thing I ever did was leave the man. (Yes, I left him. The only smart thing I did in that relationship.) So I basically told her off, and for both of them to get the hell out of my life.

Just out of pure curiosity I revisited her myspace page today, and found her blog. She writes how they were just trying to wish me well, and that she can't believe the response she got. That her husband would never do anything I said he did, and that I'm a pathalogical lier. Really? Did she ask him about the time he screamed at me and threatened to hit me, in front of other people? Did he tell her about the time he cheated on me with my "friend" Michelle, and then ran away to Missouri like a coward? How I was told I had to quit my job at the motorcycle shop because he was certain I was cheating on him with half the staff. The time he came into play rehearsal, and yelled at me in front of everyone. How I lost jobs in the theatre because he wouldn't let me go to play practice alone, and I got the rep of that girl with the crappy husband. I couldn't even wear a slinky costume. And he had a fit when I couldn't wear my wedding band on stage! (Hello, the character was single...duh.) How we didn't spend either one of our anniversaries together because we were fighting and seperated. How my own father told me "You can still back out you know", right before he walked me down the aisle at our wedding. (Everyone knew, except me, that I was making a huge mistake. I should have listened to them.) Or how about the time he followed me to the theatre I was at, and begged me to come back to him, complete with the gas station rose he bought? Or the letter he sent me that Christmas, after we'd already been divorced, begging me to go out with him for New Years?

I could go on, but I won't.

So, Deedle, if you're reading this, guess we both have different sides to the story. I still feel sorry for you. I know what he did to me, and I'm greatful he doesn't do those things to you. You're the lucky one. He could be wonderful now, I don't know, and I don't care. Just stay the hell out of my life, both of you. I'm happy now, and I'm going to stay that way.

ETA: She just tried to contact me again through MySpace. For God's sake, child, give it a rest. *rolls eyes* Pathetic.

It's official...I'm a Buckeye now!

2006-08-14T11:33:00.000-04:00

Yup, that's right. I'm really an Ohioan now. I'm so happy to be here. Getting here was a bit of an adventure though.

First of all, half of my belongings, including my furniture, are still at my ex boyfriend's house. I don't have a truck, or anything like that, so I couldn't take the stuff to my apartment. So my friend was supposed to help me with her truck. We talked about it for weeks, got the day off and all that. The day before we're supposed to move all the stuff I try calling her. No answer. I try later. No answer. Again, later, and no answer. I must have called her six times, and not once did she pick up. Naturally, she didn't show up the next day, so I stuffed as many boxes into my car as I could, and went down to Ohio anyway. She called me later that afternoon to tell me that the "reason" she didn't come help me move was because her dad took the truck. Never mind that he knew we needed it on this day for over a month. That's her excuse, but I'm guessing she simply copped out on me. At any rate, that means my furniture is still at the ex-bf's place. Thankfully, he doesn't mind holding on to it for me, since we're still on pretty good terms.

A couple of weeks later, egan was down for a visit, and I sent him home with even more boxes. I spent the next week going crazy, trying to box everything else up, and praying it would all fit into two little cars.

Egan and I had a fun weekend taking my son to the zoo on Saturday, but on Sunday we spent it packing, packing and packing. He originally was going to leave on Sunday, and I was going to follow on Monday. But he decided not to, and so we spent the evening watching Wallace and Gromit, Curse of the Wererabbit outside, with our friends Mr and Mrs hi-c. Then, eeek! it was Monday, moving day.

We ran around like scared bunnies, making sure everything was packed. Then we very carefully stuffed everything into the two cars. Last to go were the guinea pig and the two cats. The pig and Twitch went into egan's car, while Smokey went into mine. And we're off!

It was, unfortunatly, a very hot day, and I don't have a/c in my car. So about an hour into the trip, Smokey was just suffereing. So I called egan on his cel and asked him to put her in his car. We pulled over and in she went. So now he's stuck with two mewing cats, and I'm all alone. The rest of the trip went pretty uneventfully from there.

We finally got in and brought the cats and pig up into the apartment. Then we collapsed from exhaustion. Over the next two days we unloaded what was left in the cars, and got all the boxes upstairs and stacked them up in the dining room. The kitties settled right into their new home. Smokey found a place on the back of the love seat, and Twitch just roamed all over, finally deciding he likes it under the bed. They both like having a porch to hang out on though.

It's been about two weeks, and I feel like I'm finally settled in. This is our place now. I start work back up on Thursday, and I'm really nervous, but greatful that I have a job. All in all, it's been wonderful moving down here, and I'm proud to be a Buckeye at last.

My animals

2006-08-11T13:22:00.000-04:00

I feel like sharing pictures of my animals with you. This is my cat, Twitch. He's a big sweetie. I adopted him last year after my kitty, Sammy, passed away. He's six years old, and the biggest lover cat I've ever known. He's also the most mellow cat I've ever met. You could do almost anything to him, and he just doesn't care. Don't ask me where he got his name though; he came named that way. He does do a psycho kitty thing from time to time, so maybe that's where it came from. I really have no idea.

This is my kitty, Smokey. I've had her for ten years now. I adopted her when she was just a tiny little kitten. She's a good kitty, although she can be a pain sometimes. But I love her dearly. She's very picky about who she likes, being a Siamese, but she really has me as her human. She got her name when she was a baby, and looked like a little puff of smoke.

And to round out our little animal family is my guinea pig, Tottie. She's named after Lady Tottington from Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Wererabbit. I bought her a couple of months ago for my son. She's his guinea pig, even if I do take care of her for him. She's not as loving as a cat, but she doesn't mind being held or petted, once you catch her that is. And she'll devour lettuce like there's no tomorow. Don't mind the red eye thing...that's just her Terminator impersonation.

So there's my animals. Hope you enjoyed seeing my furry family!

I've got a job!

2006-07-19T12:58:00.000-04:00

Well, of course I have a job now. I ment I have one waiting for me. I will definatly be moving to the bf's place, but I was worried about the job transfer. I talked to the assistant manager last night, and I'm in! All I have to do now is fill out the transfer paperwork and I'm all set. SQUEE!!!

I can't believe it's been a year

2006-07-12T15:30:00.000-04:00

A year ago this month I lost one of my best friends, my kitty cat, Sammy. Here he is:

He was only 9 years old, but I had to have him put down because he was suffering from heart failure. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.

Sammy was the first cat I ever got that was 100% mine. When I got married and moved out of my parent's house, I left all the kitties behind, because they had been with my folks for so long. Naturally, having cats my whole life, I was very lonely without a kitty in the house. So a week later I went looking for a cat.

I hit the local PetsMart because they usually have animals for adoption. The first cat I saw that I thought I'd like was a little tiger striped cat, but he was already adopted, so I kept looking. And there, in a bottom cage, was a brother and sister pair of black and white cats. She had already been adopted, but the boy still needed a home. I fell in love with him right away. (I've always liked black and white cats.) So I purchased all the neccesities you need for a kitty, payed the adoption fee, and brought Sammy home. On the drive home I decided to call him Sam, for the character Sam played by Scott Backula on Quantum Leap.

Sammy and I went through so much together. Moving so many times I lost count, a divorce, getting remarried and moving from California to Michigan, moving around Michigan, a baby, and another divorce. Through it all, he remained my buddy and my companion. He was very picky about who he liked, but once he liked you, you had a friend for life. My (now) BF even got to meet him about a month before he passed away.

When he got sick, I was devistated. I took him to the vet who told me he had heart failure. So I had to make the decision to have him put down. I wasn't about to let my best friend suffer in pain for who knew how many more days. So I held him while the vet gave him the injection, and cried my eyes out the whole time. Once he was gone, I didn't want to let him go. I couldn't believe my Sammykat was gone. But the vet was very kind and burried him under a tree in their animal memory yard. So I know he was taken care of.

He was my little angel, and I will never forget him. I hope to get a tattoo of him soon, that looks a little like this: http://www.almostabstract.freeuk.com/Originals/OriginalsSL/Pasl169.jpg, which looks very much like Sammy, with his birth month and year and death date on it. It will be my tribute to my dearest cat.

I have had many cats in my life, but none of them will ever take Sammy's place. I miss you buddy. And I hope to see you again some day. I love you.

Where have you been?

2006-07-12T14:11:00.001-04:00

At least, I'm hoping that's what you've been asking yourselves. ;)

I lost my home phone line, so I don't have internet access at home anymore. :( But, not to worry, I can still use it at home, and soon I'll have access at the BF's house. Broadband...yippee!!!!

So I'm still around. Try not to worry so much. ;)

Oh happy day...a job transfer has come my way!

2006-06-27T14:10:00.000-04:00

I've been talking to the BF about moving down there to be with him. Well one major setback, of course, would be a job for me. Turns out that the Home Depot offers job transfers for it's employees. So I talked to my HR manager the other day and told her the situation. Then I gave her a list of the stores I'm interested in transfering to, and she emailed their HR managers. Well, one of them called me today! I have to go home and call him back, but it looks like I might have a job waiting for me when I move. Yeah!!!

The return of the evil knee

2006-06-26T12:33:00.000-04:00

The evil knee has struck again! This time it's in the back of the knee, instead of the side. I called and begged and got into the doctor today. Very nice man, Dr Stevens. I like doctors that make you feel like a person and not a chart. Anyway, he pokes and prods and tells me my ligaments are okay, which is good news. The bad news is, I seem to have pulled my hamstring muscle, right at the base. And I have tendonitous, to top it all off.

Sigh, I just can't win.

"Werid Al's" new song

2006-06-24T12:21:00.000-04:00

As some of you may know, I am a huge "Weird Al" fan. Well, I'm happy to spread the word that he has a new song out, that's only available online at his website at www.weirdal.com

From an article on NPR:

In a career spanning more than 25 years, pop-music parodist "Weird Al" Yankovic hasn't exactly ranked among the music business' fiercest iconoclasts: He doesn't release his song parodies without the consent of the artists being parodied, and he's rarely used the Internet as more than a tool to promote his projects and connect with his fans. But a music label's efforts to block a (relatively tame) parody of James Blunt's ubiquitous hit "You're Beautiful" has Yankovic fighting back publicly, and using his Web site as a tool to do so.

According to Yankovic, Blunt himself gave his blessing to a song called "You're Pitiful" (audio), which was to appear on Yankovic's now-finished but as-yet-unreleased new album. But after Yankovic finished recording the parody, Atlantic Records, Blunt's label, told Yankovic that he couldn't release "You're Pitiful." Though Yankovic has encountered resistance from artists before -- after a miscommunication involving permissions, Coolio publicly objected to a released parody of "Gangsta's Paradise," while Prince has always turned down Yankovic's requests to parody his hits -- he says this is the first time a label has stepped in to squash the release of one of his parodies. (Quoth an Atlantic representative: "We have no comment on this matter.")

So how, exactly, does a music label have a say in whether one of its artists can be parodied?
"The legality in this case is somewhat moot," Yankovic writes when contacted via e-mail. "James Blunt could still let me put it on my album if he really wanted to, but he obviously doesn't want to alienate his own record company... and my label could release the parody without Atlantic's blessing, but they don't really want to go to war with another label over this. So really, it's more of a political matter than a legal matter."

Of course, it's not hard to circulate a song these days, and Yankovic has helped that process along by making an MP3 of the track available for free download on his Web site. It may not appear on Yankovic's new album, but "You're Pitiful" will still swirl around in cyberspace long after Blunt's original recedes from memory.

"I have a long-standing history of respecting artists' wishes," Yankovic writes. "So if James Blunt himself were objecting, I wouldn't even offer my parody for free on my Web site. But since it's a bunch of suits -- who are actually going against their own artist's wishes -- I have absolutely no problem with it."

Go Al! Now head off to his site and go download it! ;)

Mini vacation

2006-06-16T13:18:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I left Michigan for a bit of a mini vacation. I'm down in Ohio visiting my sweetie. Yeah! A whole weekend of sleeping in, going to a baseball game, eating sushi, and just relaxing. Ah, the good life. :)

Do I have to go back? ;)

Shoulder update

2006-06-13T08:18:00.000-04:00

Been to the doc, again, and she said "Ice, rest, motrin and take it easy at work." Uh, duh? I could have told her that. Oh well. It is feeling better at least, though not 100%. I'm sure it's because I've injured it before, and soft tissue injuries, on me at least, never fully heal.

But I'm back to work at least. And I don't have my arm in a sling anymore. I didn't like being a one armed bandit. ;)

You hurt yourself again?

2006-06-07T20:47:00.000-04:00

That's the cry I heard at work last week. I tripped over a lawn tractor and smashed my shoulder up pretty good when I landed on the concreate.

Needless to say, since it happened at work, I had to go through the whole paperwork crap, plus the whiz quiz, etc. So not fun.

I came into work the next day, high on codiene and in a sling. I tried to cashier but it wasn't easy at all. So they sent me home.

For the next week I cashiered. Now I'm back on the lot and slingless. But they've got a pool at work as to what I'll hurt next. Gods only know.

Not so good 6-6-6

2006-06-07T20:32:00.000-04:00

I’m a little superstitious, I'll admit it. You can't be in theatre without being just a touch that way. However, when it comes to things like breaking mirrors, black cats, and Friday the 13th, I say you make your own luck. Yesterday was no exception. I was determined to not let the "dreaded" 6-6-6 day be a bad one for me. I went to work, and our loss prevention guy said he was going to keep an extra close eye on me since he thinks I'm bad luck. (Hurt my knee, lock my keys in the car, etc.) Well, all day at work was fine. I worked out in the garden department, and didn't have any problem customers. Then I had my son after work, and we had a great visit. I thought for sure I had the bad luck beat.

Then I drove home from dropping off my son at his dad's.

While driving down the road, a Siamese cat darted out in front of my car. I hit the breaks, but it was too late. I killed the poor kitty cat. I was so upset and felt sick. I couldn't bring myself to turn around and try and find who it might belong to. I called my boyfriend and told him what happened. He kept telling me it was just an accident, but I can't help but feel like shit. I had a cat hit and killed by a car once too. I know what a horrid feeling that is. If I close my eyes, I can still see it. A day later, and I still feel sick.

So it turned out to not be that great of a day after all. Not the worst day I’ve ever had, but I can’t think of anything that’s happened lately that made me feel this bad.

To who ever owned the kitty, I am so very sorry. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. And for the love of the gods, please, if you get another cat, don't let it outside. Don't let this happen again. I'm so sorry.

Accidentally in love

2006-06-07T19:44:00.000-04:00

So if you read my post about falling in love with my best friend, you're probably wondering what became of all that. I'm happy to tell you that he read my blog, we talked about it, and we're now together, and very happily in love. Turns out he was in love with me too, but he had the same fears I did about long distance relationships. But we decided to say "to hell with it" and give it a go.

He came up to see me on St. Patrick's day, and we've been together ever since. It's so hard being away from each other though. We see each other every couple of weeks, but it's never enough.

Our friends are also a MI/OH couple, but they're only about 45 minutes apart. We call them The Lucky Bastards. Although Bainwin points out to me that we're all lucky bastards, having found our soulmates. She's right.

So I didn't mean to do it, but I fell in love with my best friend. Thank the gods!

Bad dreams

2006-04-26T10:32:00.000-04:00

I really, really hate having bad dreams, especially when they involve my ex husband. It used to be that I dreamed of my first ex-husband, the one who was so abusive to me. Last night, it was my son's father.

I've been dreaming of him off and on for about a week now, and they're never good dreams. Last night was the worst though. He was screaming at me, calling me a worthless whore, an unfit mother, and he would never let me see our son again. I woke up just terrified.

I had to call my fiend to calm down. Yes it was 430 in the morning, didn't mind a bit. Thank goodness for that.

I don't even want to dream like that again. Reality is enough.

Back to work

2006-04-25T09:53:00.000-04:00

If you read my previous posts, you'll recal I was having troubles with my knee. I finally had an MRI and was able to get off of my crutches. I was so happy! But because the work schedule is written two to three weeks in advance, I was stuck being a cashier still. No more! Today I go back to my "real" job - lot attendant. I'm so excited! I won't be tied down to a stupid register anymore, and I'll be getting my exercise again. (Thankfully.)

So today I go back to work. I'm very happy. Let's hope they don't pull me back for cashier anytime soon. I don't wanna! *has tantrum* Ahem...sorry 'bout that. ;)

Found my sex drive!

2006-04-25T09:44:00.000-04:00

Apparently it went south. ;) And no, I'm not going to tell you who helped me find it either. :D

Knee Update

2006-04-04T13:55:00.000-04:00

Good news: The MRI results came back negative, which means there are no obvious rips or tears in the knee. Yeah! That means I don't have to use crutches at work anymore. Sq00t!

Bad news: It still hurts if I walk too much. *sigh* Guess I'm off to the doctor again.

Vacation time

2006-04-04T13:42:00.000-04:00

Yup, I'm taking a mini-vacation, such as it were.

I've been under a huge ammount of stress lately. The bi-polar disorder has really been kicking my ass lately, and it's getting the better of me. It's causing me to hurt my son (I yelled at him and scared him), and even at work I can't hold it together. A coworker caught me crying uncontrollably in the garden shed the other day. So, at the urging of a friend, I left work and school for a few days, and came down to Ohio for a break.

I was worried about work, but called my HR manager and she said it was perfectly okay. So hopefully I'll be back to work on Friday. At least I know my job will be waiting for me, so that's a little preasure off my back.

I'm seeing my doctor on Monday. She's not going to be happy that I've been lying to her. I told her I've been doing really well, when the truth is I've been having suicidal thoughts for almost a month now, and tried to do myself in last week. Hopefully we'll work on some med adjustments and see what happens.

Also, my ex and I have agreed to no more overnights with my son for a little while. I'm going to see him on Tuesday and just take him to the park for awhile. I hope he'll be okay with that.

At any rate, it feels good to not be at either work or school, to eat sushi, and to spend time in the company of someone who cares for me. I think we all should have a vacation like that from time to time.

Random thoughts

2006-03-28T00:26:00.000-05:00

I was sitting at work tonight with nothing to do, so I pulled out a piece of paper and wrote outand a bunch of random thougts came to mind. For your reading pleasure, here they are.

Sleep is over rated.

I'm not really in love with anyone but my son.

There is nothing wrong with having sex whit whoever you please, as long as you're safe.

I don't like my mom very much.

I go to school, go to work, spend time with my kid, read, spend too much time online, and fuck too much.

I think I'm fat and ugly, but no one else seems me that way. Who's blind?

If I can get food stamps, I'm buying myself some slimfast.

Working til 10 sucks.

I miss my dad.

I wish someone would tell me what's wrong with my knee.

Why do I have to be so damn independant and stubborn?

I'm 29 and wish I was still daddy's little girl.

I wish I had a brother or sister.

Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.

I want another baby so bad it hurts.

I hate living in Michigan. I never should have left California.

I really like working at the Home Depot, but I hate being a cashier.

I miss doing plays. They were the only thing I was naturally good at.

I should have gone to San Francisco or New York and at least tried. Too late now.

I wish I was thin and pretty. Not super model pretty, but like the girls I see at school with the shiney hair and great makeup and clothes.

I'm still a tomboy trapped in a woman's body and I wish I wasn't.

I wish my knee would stop hurting. I don't want to have surgery on it again. I never fully healed from the last one.

I want to be someone's Mrs. again someday.

If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I want to come back as a cat.

I fucking hate being bipolar. Why couldn't I have a normal brain?

There you have it...random thoughts from a messed up mind.

Stupid knee!

2006-03-08T13:20:00.000-05:00

Ugh. I swear, sometimes I have the worst luck when it comes to body parts. Especially when it comes to my left knee.

The first time it was hurt was when my horse bucked me off when I was about 9 years old. Really minor sprain, lasted maybe a day or two.

Fast forward a few years later. I was riding my horse bareback, and she stepped in a hole and tripped. I went flying over her head and managed to seriously sprain my knee this time. I also wound up with a monsterous bruise on my right hip and a minor concussion. This time the sprain was a second degree and was all mangled, bruised and swollen. Ick. I was on crutches for over a week that time. This was during high school, so that really sucked.

So now it's 1997, and I get into a very minor rear end accident. I happened to have my leg in just the right spot, and I managed to get my knee cap knocked out of alignment! After many fights with doctors, lawyers and the worker's comp company, I finally had surgery on it to correct the problem in April of 2000. I was on crutches for a month, and then it took over three months of physical therapy to really get back on my feet. Sadly, it never fully healed, and my left leg is still slightly smaller than my right becasue of the loss of muscle.

August of 2004, I took a bad tumble and hurt it again. Crutches and I are becoming good friends at this point.

Then in October of 2005, I'm playing with my son and my (then) boyfriend at the playground. We were on this type of platform that's held up by a chain on each corner, so it kinda floats off the ground. My son jumped off and the BF was swinging it pretty hard with me on it. Well, I was wearing boots at the time, so I didn't exactly have a good footing. You guessed it...bam! I fell on my ass and twisted my knee and my ankle pretty badly. So I was stuck on crutches, again.

So here we are, 2006. I've been busy with going to school and work 7 days a week, especially with work. As I've said before, I do lot attendant, so I'm pretty physically active now. Oddly enough, this didn't happen at work. I was at school, walking to class, when my knee just started to hurt like crazy. It felt like someone was stabbing me on the left side. Every time I bent it to walk it hurt. I was almost in tears. So I straight legged it to class. Every time I tried to bend it and put weight on it for the rest of the day it hurt like that. It made work interesting.

So I went and got myself and knee brace and started wearing it, thinking I'd just sprained it and I'd be okay if I just wore the brace and took it easy. No go. Not only did it not really help the knee pain, but it gave me a rash! Aparently I'm allergic to neoprean and sweat. Thankfully that was taken care of quickly, and I now wear the brace on the outside. Anyway, the pain has been steadily been getting worse and worse, to the point where it actually catches and gives way. When it catches, it hurts so bad I have to stop whatever it is I'm doing and just stand there til the pain passes.

I finally gave in and scheduled an appointment with the doctor. After she examined me and bent my poor leg around like a pretzel, she told me she thinks there's actually something torn in there. Which means I have to go in for an MRI and see what's going on in there. If it's bad enough, I'll need knee surgery again. Needless to say, I did not like hearing this at all.

The doctor then gave me a work restriction (no excessive walking) and told me to use my crutches. So I headed off to work to tell them the situation. I was nervous. I mean, I'm a lot attendant! I walk around and bring in carts all day, and load customers vehicles. How am I supposed to do that on crutches? Thanfully, things worked out. I'm cashier trained, so they're putting me on a register for now. That's great, since I"ll still have a job, but I already miss doing lot. I was so good at it! I see the parking lot when I come to work, and it's full of carts, and I get upset. Normally I'm not too concerned with things being clean, but this is my job and I take pride in it.

I've only been cashier for a couple of days now, but already my knee is feeling better. I'm hoping that it's not as bad as the doctor thinks, and we'll be able to fix it without surgery. The thought of having surgery again scares the hell out of me. I don't like hospitals in general, and I am terrified of IVs. And last time I had surgery I had a bad reaction to the anesthetic that cause my blood preasure to drop rapidly. That was so not fun. Plus the recovery time is painful and long. I admit it, I'm scared.

I hope I hear about the MRI soon. Then at least I'll know what I'm dealing with. It won't be so scarey then.

And this had better be the last damn time my knee gets hurt. Next time, I'm cutting it off!

Olympic highlights

2006-02-27T08:48:00.000-05:00

I love the Olympics, especially the winter ones. I remember watching them from the time I was a very little girl. One of the greatest memories I have is going to the Summer games in 1984 in Los Angeles with my mom.

Sadly, I wasn't able to watch a single event this year. I was either working while the games were on, or someone was busy watching something else, or playing video games at the time. However, I did stay up to date on my favorite sports, speed skating and hockey.

Now, I'm not as big of a hockey fan as my friend Bainwen is, but it's my second favorite sport. (Sorry, baseball will always be number one for me.) Then you add the Olympics to the mix, the most awesome display of athletics in the world, and you've got my attention! I was getting worried when the US and Canada teams both got beaten out of medal contention. But, oh the good news! Sweden was in the running for a medal! They had to go up against Finland for the gold. Happy news...They won! The very best part to me, was that Nicklas Lidstrom, my favorite hockey player, (Go Wings!), was the one that scored the goal that sealed the victory.

Lidstrom's goal, coming just 10 seconds into the third period, snapped a tie and sent Sweden to a 3-2 victory over Finland on Sunday in the men's hockey finale.

I'm of Swedish ancestry, very proudly so, and usually root for the Swedes anyway. I even exchanged a flag with a Swedish man at the '84 games. I gave him my US one for his Swedish one. I think my mom still has it somewhere.

Another interesting note, the US won their very first medal in curling. Curling? You ask...WTF is that? Well, it's an interesting sport where two guys basically brush a large stone down the ice, trying to put it in just the right spot to score points. I know, obscure. I only know because my daddy curled in college. That, and it's one sport you're sure to get tickets to if you ever want to go to the games. ;)

However, the most interesting thing to me in these Olympics was the speed skating events. I have always loved the sport, both long and short track. I remember watching the Queen of Speed Skating and Dan Jansen go flying around the track and being mesmerised by them. This year I had a real close interest in the men's competition. Bay City, Michigan's very own Alex Izykowski was on the men's team. He was in a couple of events, and eventually became part of the Bronze medal winning team for the 5000 meter race. I'm hoping we have a really big party here, so maybe I can finally see a real Olympic medal (or were they CD's this year?) up close and personal. That, and he's cute. :>

So another Winter Olympics have come and gone. I really wish I could have seen them. Maybe I'll have better luck in four years when they come to Vancouver, Canada. After all, I'm not that far away. And I would like to say someday that I've been to the Summer and Winter games. By that time my kid would be old enough to enjoy them even. Now that would be a cool tradition to start. I'll never be an athelte, but at least watching these guys and gals lets me dream a little.

"Citius, Altius, Fortius"

I love my job

2006-02-25T01:48:00.000-05:00

No, really, I do! I can't believe it myself, but it's true.

I've been working at the Home Depot for just about a month and a half now. I am a lot attendant. Basically that means that I run around and bring in carts all day, and I help customers load up their vehicles with their purchases. I'm really enjoying it. I get lots of exercise, I get to be outside, I get to interact with lots of people. It's great! I've also been cashier trained, so I get some extra shifts, but I prefer the lot. There's a wonderful freedom to it. I can wander all over the store, and no one says anything about it. I get to help people in all departments. Plus I'm learning tons about where everything is, and how lots of things work.

I haven't loved a job in a long time. The last time was six years ago when I worked as a delivery driver for a blueprinting company. There was a lot of freedom in that too. Maybe that's what I like about these jobs so much...being able to actually do things, instead of being stuck in one place.

My front end supervisor wants me to become a cashier full time once my six months in lot is up, but I don't know if I'll want to. I like being able to run around. Oh, and the best part is seeing the looks on people's faces when I'm called as the loader. The men usually don't think I can do the job, and I surprise them. The women are worse though. I don't know how many I've had say "shouldn't a man be doing this?" I just tell them they wanted someone who could do it right. ;)

I did have one really sexist pig. He wouldn't let me help him at all with his load. He actually kept saying that this was a man's job, and that a man should be doing it, not some "girl". He even said to me "here, you can hold my coffee"! What a jackass. So I held his coffee while he grunted, groaned and strained to get his insulation into his car. I was trying so hard not to laugh outloud at him. When he was done, I handed him back his coffee, wished him a nice day, and took the cart back into the store. I hope he had back trouble that night. ;)

All in all, I really do love my job. Great coworkers, pretty good (99%) customers, and a great place to work. Yup, I am the Home Depot.

Where the heck did my sex drive go?

2006-02-20T04:33:00.001-05:00

I know I used to have one, once upon a time.

I looked under the bed. Nothing but rabid dust bunnies the size of shoes.

I checked under the couch. No luck. A couple of moldy cheerios. At least, I think that's what they used to be.

I checked in the basement, but couldn't find it there either. I even looked through my still packed boxes, thinking that maybe I had forgotten to unpack it. Nope, not their either.

Odd.

I'm don't think I will find it in this house. I think it wandered off and got lost. A ha! A quest! Now to find the right person to help me search for it. ;) After all, a quest done alone isn't exactly fun.

The wrong love

2006-02-13T13:38:00.000-05:00

This will be a bitchy blog. Skip this one if you think it might irritate you. ;)

Back in the month of May (wow, that's cheesey), I started talking to two very interesting men. One, I met through a message board I frequent. We'd been chatting back and forth about theatre, and other mutual likes. The other I met through an internet dating service. We also had many things to talk about. They both made me laugh, and I felt happy with both of them. Not in "that" kinda way. Just happy in general.

June comes along, and I met Guy 1 in person. We spent the weekend together seeing a great set of one acts, and then caught a movie together before I (reluctantly) headed home. About a week after that, I meet Guy 2 in person. He and I also hit it off, and in a completly different way. Although I like both men very much, I went with Guy 2 because he was closer to me. Guy 2 lives in another state, and I've never been very good at long distance relationships.

So fast forward a few months. It's now February, and I am living with Guy 2. He claims he loves me more than life itself, and I'm happy having someone that takes care of me and my son. Also, I have continued my friendship with Guy 1, even visiting him two more times since our initial visit.

Now here's the problem. I am not in love with Guy 2, my SO. He's sweet, kind and loving. And I honestly do care for him. But in just the last 8 months that we've been dating, we've already grown apart, even if he won't admit to it. Sure, we like the same movies and music, and we laugh at the same jokes...if they're fart jokes. His idea of a fun Friday night is to hang out with his buddy on the couch and kill people on Grand Theft Auto, San Andres. I mean, I like to play video games too, and even have a LOTRs one of my own, but every damn day? For hours at a time? Ok, I know, I spend a lot of time online. But I multi task it with homework, chatting with friends, even reading! He's not educated, he doesn't read books, he doesn't want to learn anything new, unless it's cheat codes for his games, and his favorite jokes have to do with farting on someone. I try to talk to him about how I'm feeling, and all I get back from him is "is it my fault? What can I do to make it better?" All the time! He won't stand up to me at all. He's whipped...and I didn't even do it. Pre-whipped, as a friend of mine said. He has a lot of good qualities, but they just don't match up with what I need in a realtionship with someone.

As I go back to school, and work at a job I'm really loving, I'm finding myself drifting away from him. I have nothing to talk about with him, because he doesn't seem interested in what I have to say. And when he talks to me, I find myself tuning out. Horrid, aren't I?

So, I'm coming to the realisation that this relationship is over. It's dead in the water. No matter how much he thinks we're perfect, I know we're not. I find myself resenting him and his family. Sure, it's great that they treat my son like a member of their family (cards, bday and Christmas presents and what not), but it really bothers me. I am just his girlfriend, not his wife. My son is my son. I want so much to get away from all of these people. Part of why I have been reluctant to do anything before now, is because of the SO and his family, I can give my son everything his father can. A family, a home, lots of people who care about him. But after talking this over with my therapist, I know that if I stay just for my kid, I won't be happy in the end, and he will figure it out. He has to have a happy, healthy mommy for him to be at his best. And I have sworn to myself that I will take care of myself, in order to take care of him.

The realationship went faster than a drunk monkey on a greased skateboard. I know it, and I've tried telling SO this, but he thinks it's fine. He keeps saying he wants to get married, and his own family keep checking out my left hand. I just got divorced a year and a half ago, damn it! I don't know if I want to ever get married again, let alone right now. I want very much to move into my own place again, and slow things waaaay down. But he sees my moving out as a full ending of the relationship. It seems that with him it's either all or nothing. Honestly, at this point, I'd rather have nothing.

So, onto another issue. During all of this time, I've been talking to Guy 1. Honestly, I think of this man as my best friend. When something happens in my life, or I just want someone to chat with, he's the first one I think of. He's given me the moral and emotional support I've needed in all the rough patches of my life for the last eight months. He understands me in a way no one elese does. And that scares the living crap out of me. Why? Because I understand now that I gave my heart to the wrong person back in June. I stayed away from any relationship with Guy 1 because he lives in a different state, and I can't move out of Michigan because of my son. So what do I do now? I don't want Guy 1 to move up here to MI for me, because this place is dead in terms of jobs, culture, what have you. Plus, I don't want him to think I'd be rebounding on him because my relationship with Guy 2 is over with. I know Guy 1 cares for me, but I don't want to push anything. For all I know, he may just see me as his little sister. And I'm too scared to find out. Moving down to where he lives would be an option, but not for another two or three years. I have to finish my schooling, and I want to wait until my son is old enough to be in school. And, as I said before...long distance relationship and I don't do well. I'd hate to see a wonderful thing get blown apart by a mere 300 miles.

Yup, you read it all right. I'm in love with my best friend. Calling Hollywood!

I think the best thing to do for the moment is keep my mouth and my heart shut. I'll keep Guy 1 as my best friend, and hopefully things will work themselves out in the end. If we stay as nothing more than friends, at least I know I have someone in my life I can count on for anything. And that is more important to me than any romantic relationship.

Breaking points

2006-01-30T12:00:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen those delicate china plates with all the little, tiny cracks in them? Do you wonder how in the heck those things stay together? I do. I look at all the cracks and wonder how they got there and how the plate can stay in one piece. If you took one of those plates and dropped it on the floor, it would shatter into a million pieces. But if handled carefully, it will stay together forever.

The cracks don't appear overnight. They show up gradually, over time. Slowly but surely erroding the plates overall structure. It may look like it's in one piece, but it's much weaker than anyone can guess.

I'm a plate right now. I have been holding together for several months now, but the cracks have been creeping in. I ignored them. I figured they'd fix themselves, that someone would just come along and magically glue them so they didn't show. But now I can feel them, I can see them. I can see the breaking point coming, and I don't know how to avoid it.

Stress? Undoubtably. School, work, my son, the home life...it's all getting to be too much. And yet, you'd think the things that would be stressing me to this point would be work and school, right? No...it's my home life. I've been with my boyfriend for just over seven months now, and only now am I starting to realise what a mistake I've made. Not in dating the man, but the speed of the relationship. He is a sweet, kind, loving man. The kind of man any girl would dream of wanting to be with. So why do I want to run away? Because things went too fast. We moved in together after bearly three months of dating. I thought it would a be a good idea, but now I'm regretting it. We skipped over the dating part of our relationship, and moved straight into playing house. Sure, good things have come out of it, like my going back to school and getting a very good job with a good company, but still. Was it worth it?

I'm finding myself wanting my old life back. I want my apartment. I want my son to myself. My SO seems to think he's found an instant family. (He can't have his own children, so of course a gal with a kid is perfect.) His family treats me like one of their own, even treating my son as another grandchild. You'd think, after being alone in Michigan, with no family of my own for so long, I would love this. So why am I feeling so smothered?

I've been married twice in less than 9 years. My SO is already talking marriage. "Someday you will be my wife" he told me. Probably about two months into our relationship. Now, I'd only been officially divorced for about 8 months at this time. The *farthest* thing from my mind is marriage. I want to make sure, if I ever marry again, that it will be 100% for the last time. If I have *any* doubts, I won't do it. I had doubts about my last marriage, and they turned out to be right. I won't make that mistake again.

So if that isn't enough, there's the problem with my meds. For the last several months I've been getting my medication for my bipolar disorder through the state's medicaid program. I found out about a week ago that I will no longer qualify for it come the fourth of February. You know why? Because I make too much money now that I have a job. That's right. Aparently $700 a month is too much money. I saw my therapist last week and told her about this. She said we'll find some way to pay for the meds. Thank the gods, since they cost about $400 a month! I'm going to apply for SSI disability, but they can take three to five months to make a decision. I am beyond freaking out about this. If I can't take my meds, I will spiral out of control and lose it again. I won't be able to work, go to school, or handle being alone with my son. I've been down that road and it scared the hell out of me. I swore I wouldn't do it again. I would rather lock myself away in a mental health unit in order to get my meds than go without again.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am litteraly falling apart again. I've got headaches, I can't eat, I don't sleep, I'm tired and bitchy all the time. I don't want to be alone, but as soon as I'm around my SO, I wish he'd go away. I feel like my head is going to split open and my brains are going to spill out everywhere. Worse, is the feeling of not caring. The apathy. I skipped school today and don't give a rats ass. This is not a good thing.

I don't know what I want anymore, other than not to break. This time, I don't think I can be put back together.

The beauty of snow

2005-12-11T13:12:00.000-05:00

I am a native California girl, and snow just isn't in my list of things I like. In CA, especially in the valley, if you want snow, you drive to it. When you're tired of it, you drive home. Only the crazy people live in the hills where they have to live with it. ;)

This year is my fifth winter in Michigan. Every single year before this I have hated snow, with a passion. It's cold, it make driving difficult, it gets you wet. Yes, it's pretty to look at, but only if you are in a nice, warm house, watching it. Being out in it is just not fun. Even after I had my son, I still saw it only as an annoyance, and wished for spring to get here as soon as possible.

Then, oddly enough, something changed.

I was leaving work the other night, around 730 or so. The snow was falling, just the light, fluffy kind. I ignored it, as usual, until I got into my car. While sitting there, waiting for my car to warm up, I was looking out my window. For the first time in my life, I actually looked at the snow. Not just the big lumps of it, but the individual flakes. I don't think I've ever seen anything so perfectly beautiful. There, on my car window, were individual works of art. Now, I've seen decorations of snowflakes, but I've never realised they actually look like little pieces of lace. Each one different and beautiful. I think I sat there and just looked at them for about five minutes. I was oddly overcome by something so simple. Now, almost a week later, it still makes me feel different. It was like a little reminder from mother nature that there is still beauty in this world, if you just know where to look for it.

Granted, it's still cold, wet and difficult to drive in, but now I look at it differently. Had I still lived in California, I probably never would have noticed it. I guess there are good things about living where it snows after all.

Men, love and other ramblings

2005-11-30T23:23:00.000-05:00

Okay,world, I think I've had about all I can take.

Growing up, I was the ugly tomboy with the glasses, frekels and pimples. I had a hard time getting guys to notice me, let alone date me. I had three boyfriends in high school, and only one of them was worth anything. I was an idiot and married the first guy who "loved" me right out of high school (I was 19). After that divorce I went hog wild, dating any guy who showed any interest in me, and sleeping with most of them. Why? I haven't a clue, other than I was young and stupid and desperatly craved the attention of a man. It seemed I couldn't live without one, no matter how crappy he was. Somehow being wanted made me feel like I was worth something.

I've had self esteem issues my whole life. I'm 29 and I still have them. I look in the mirror and see a chubby, flabby, pimply faced, scared, four eyed, ugly woman. I can't see beyond that at all. I mean, I know I can make myself look beautiful with the right clothes, makeup and hair. But I want to see a beautiful, worthwhile woman when I get up in the morning, messy hair, sweatpants and all. I could name five men right now that would disagree with me. Every time one of them says I'm beautiful, I could just scream. I know men check me out, and I wonder what the hell they're looking at. Are you blind?

Just stop it, okay? I'm not beautiful, I'm not sexy, and I have no common sense. If I had any, I'd join a convent. (My disbelief in god not withstanding.) The only men I will believe are my son and my dad.

Please, please, for the love of the gods, stop it. Or someone give me the strength to see what they do.

And to the men who think they love me, in any way, all I ask is why? (No, my dad and my son don't count.) How odd is it that I can question you, when I never question myself when I feel love for someone. Does that make my a hypocrite? I don't know anymore. If you all would just go away, maybe I could get my brain around some things. Hell, I can't even write a coherent blog at the moment, my brain is so screwy.

Why oh why are we doomed in this society to love only one person? My heart is so big, and there are so many wonderful people with so many wonderful traits. Why is it I have to pick one person to be "the one", while others are doomed to either be left behind or be just the platonic friend? That's not the way this world works. At least, not in Western society.

I think too much of other's feelings. If I were to run away and persue what I want for once, how many broken hearts would I leave behind? I'm worried about what everyone else thinks...friends, parents, my son. I can't win. No wonder there are still nights I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up.

Gah....life's a bitch.

The pain of being bipolar

2005-11-20T19:01:00.000-05:00

Nearly 2 years ago I decided to try and end my own life. Obviously, it didn't work. (Either that or I'm a very solid ghost.) After that attempt I had to spend a week in the hospitals mental health unit. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Basically, it's like depression, but you also get these super hyper up times, which are just as dangerous as depression. More fun, but dangerous all the same.

Since last year, I have been struggling with treatment of my disorder. I have seen psychologists, psychiatrists, been to support groups and been on a few different types of medicine. Every time it seems I've finally got a handle on it, something quits working; something goes wrong, and I never know what.

Perhaps my brains chemistry changes so fast that the medicines can't keep up. Maybe the meds aren't as effective as the doctors would like to believe. Or maybe I'm going to end up as one of those women who is locked up in a mental home for the rest of her life becuase no one can do anything for her.

An outsider would think my life is almost perfect right now. I have a home, a job, a man who loves me, a wonderful son, two cats and two dogs, and am going back to school. I have very few bills, a sharp mind, and a "good" personality. But what would an outsider know? He wouldn't know how I can look at all of these wonderful things, and not feel connected to a single one of them. How quickly I can go from feeling on top of the world, to feeling like I want nothing more than to disapear.

There are so few things I want. I want to see my son grow up. I want to go back to school. I want to be happy.

Why do I have to be one of the some two million of people in the US with this disorder? I don't understand why my brain has to be this way. As far as I know, no one else in my family will admit to having any kind of mental illness, except for a cousin (mom's side) who suffers from depression. I beleive there might be something wrong with my older half sister, who has been treated for alcoholism, as self medicating is very common in bipolars.

But it's not the same as someone else I know saying "it's okay, you're not alone."

I have one very good friend who does know, and does understand, and we lean on each other quite a bit. There's a much different perspective talking to him than talking to my therapist. I think it helps us both.

I don't feel suicidal, just tired and apathetic. I'm crying easily again, which hasn't happened in while. I think about my son and miss him so very much. I look at my loving BF and wonder if we can stay together because of how I can be. I have desires to run away and hide from everyone I know just so no one will know I'm sick.

It's days like these I miss having manias. I was just as sick, but at least those are fun.

My fantasy holiday wishlist: to be cured.

Finally, a job

2005-11-18T00:00:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it. After bitching about not having a job, I got one.

I went to the mall today to drop off a bunch of applications I had filled out. While I was there, I also grabbed an application for the Honey Baked Ham Company. http://www.honeybaked.com/ Sure, it's seasonal, and will probably only go through the first of January, but at least it's something. Finally, some money for me.

The funny thing is I put in my application today, and the guy called me a couple of hours later and offered me the job over the phone. I didn't even have an interview! Hope it works out alright. I really need the cash right now. No Christmas gifts, no paid bills, no gas money, etc.

I hope to find something more permanat by the time this one ends. Hopefully I can finally get out of food. I'm so sick of having a job that envolves food!

Wish me luck!

The annoying hunt for a job

2005-11-16T14:32:00.000-05:00

I hate, hate, hate, looking for a job. Every time I've had to do it, it's a royal pain in the tush.

The reason I'm looking for a job right now was because I left my old one for a number of reasons. One, I wanted to move in with the BF, who lives in a city 50 miles from where I worked. Not exactly a good commute given gas prices these days. Two, I didn't really like the job that much. I worked in a deli in a grocery store. Lack of respect, low wages and crappy work conditions will make a person want to leave. But, I could have put up with all of that for quite a while, mostly because I loved some of my customers so much it made it worth while.

Then along came Melody.

Don't let her name fool you. She's no where as nice as she sounds.

Melody and I were hired at the exact same time, and the only reason she started on a Monday, and me on a Tuesday, was because I needed medical clearence to start working, as I had been injured on my previous job. This girl and I had problems right from the get go. She's loud, obnoxious, rude and a general pain in the ass. She's worked food service quite a bit, so she thinks she knows everything. She was always "correcting" me on how I did things, talking down to me for not doing things "her" way, etc. We had basically been at each other's throats from day one.

This goes on for almost 6 moths. We managed to work together, but there was always tension between us. Then, it all finally came to a head. I was commenting on the schedule about how I got the weekend off (only my second one since working there), so I could spend it with my BF and my son for three days in a row. Melody blew up at me, saying how she was sick of the fact that I had "every single day off (you) want, and none of us ever do", which was total bullshit. Basically, the schedule is worked out a week in advance, and if you need a certain day off, or need to work a certain shift, then all you have to do is write it on the calender. 9 times out of 10 you'll get your request. She, however, never seemed to get this concept. She would, instead, bitch about how she never got the same day off, and that she always had to work around her work schedule, and none of the others (read, me) did. Now, granted, I always had Thursdays off, but I worked this out with the boss when I was interviewed, because I always have my son on Thursdays. So he knew in advance I could never work a Thursday, and it was alright with him.

Anyway, she got in my face and screamed at me for having any day I wanted off. I tried, again, explaining the way it was to her, but she got all in a tizzy and stared screaming about how I always get what I want, how it wasn't fair...etc. So I told her if she didn't like it she should quit. She yells, "fine, I quit!", throws her apron off and goes stalking off. Fine by me. She goes ranting around the store, looking for our manager so she can bitch to him about me "forcing her" to quit. She goes into the meat room and basically tells the guy that's working in there that "I'm going to punch (my) lights out." Then she comes storming past me and tells me "I would love to knock your block off right now." Of course, this has gotten me quite shook up by this point. Yelling about quiting is fine, but threatening me because of it?

Finally, she finds the manager and bitches to him about me. He of course then comes to me to get my side of things. So I tell him what happened, and inform him I will not work in a place that has employees threatening each other. His response? "How do you know she was serious? I'm sure it's just an idle threat." WTF?! What kind of response is that from an employer? To make a long story short, he basically said we need to learn to work together, because neither of us would be quiting. (He talked her into staying.) We just needed to learn to "get along".

Of course everyone was asking me what happened, because every employe in the store heard her going off about things. No one took her side, 'cause they all love me. ;) I told them all the truth, and everyone was shocked that she could be so damn stupid.

So at lunch I went to the snopes board, where I post frequently ;) , and posted about this problem. I really needed to get it off my chest, because I was pretty shaken up. That night, after work, I called my BF and told him about it too. After much thought, we decided I was going to leave the job, and move in with him a month earlier than we had planned on.

The next day was Sunday, and I didn't have to work with SuperBitch, but at the end of that day, I left my two weeks notice. I also told the kids I worked with, who were just shocked at her behavior, that I was quiting.

The next day my boss comes up to me and says "I got your notice. Are you sure this is what you want to do?" It was all I could keep from going "DUH!" in his face. I told him, yes, this was what I wanted to do. I later heard him chewing out SuperBitch because I was leaving. She was happy I was going, but pissed she was in trouble, again.

Oh well, not my problem.

So, I finally finished my two weeks of hell, and had many, many customers telling me how sorry they were that I was leaving, and wishing I would stay, and "can't you communte?", which was awesome, especially when SB could hear them! :D

So I moved, and since then, I've been looking for work. It's been a long damn two months, and I'm sick and tired of it all. I look through the classifieds online every other day, and hit the local retail places about once a week, seeing if anyone needs people. I am so sick of it. I've had two interviews in the two months. One I thought I nailed, but obviously didn't, and this other one I'm not so sure about. But, I'll keep trying.

I'm so tired of not being able to contribute anything to the household, and although he won't admit it, I'm sure it's a bit of a burden on the BF. *sigh*

I hope someone hires me very soon, I'm quite tired of this all. I'm about *this* close to applying to McDonalds, just for a job. I'd go apply at the local strip club, but they'd probably laugh me out of the door. ;)

A happy Halloween

2005-11-02T20:38:00.000-05:00

Well my son and I had a wonderful Halloween together. Well, sort of Halloween. It was the bf's idea to carve pumpkins, and we had a wonderful time doing it. Nicholas really liked scooping out the guts of the pumpkings, and even tried helping me carve it.

That was about a week before Halloween. On the actual day of Halloween, he went trick or treating as a frog with his dad. The costume was from my mom, so it was pretty cool that he got to wear it. He looked super cute.

All in all we had a wonderful time. He loved pointing out "his" pumpkins to his day when he came to pick him up!

We had his birthday last weekend too. My baby boy is three now! I can hardly believe it. Time goes by so fast, but he's such a wonderful kid, and I just love watching him grow up and learn new things. I'm blessed to have such a great kid.

The begining

2005-11-01T12:56:00.000-05:00

Well, so here I am starting a blog. I had another one, but didn't like it too much, so here I go again! Gee, I don't really know what to say about myself. I'm 29, and have a beautiful 3 year old son. I live with my boyfriend, and we have two dogs (his) and two cats (mine).

I dunno what I'm going to post on a regular basis, as I spend a lot of my time posting on the snopes board, but it's nice to have somewhere else to get things out.