January 30, 2006

Breaking points

Have you ever seen those delicate china plates with all the little, tiny cracks in them? Do you wonder how in the heck those things stay together? I do. I look at all the cracks and wonder how they got there and how the plate can stay in one piece. If you took one of those plates and dropped it on the floor, it would shatter into a million pieces. But if handled carefully, it will stay together forever.

The cracks don't appear overnight. They show up gradually, over time. Slowly but surely erroding the plates overall structure. It may look like it's in one piece, but it's much weaker than anyone can guess.

I'm a plate right now. I have been holding together for several months now, but the cracks have been creeping in. I ignored them. I figured they'd fix themselves, that someone would just come along and magically glue them so they didn't show. But now I can feel them, I can see them. I can see the breaking point coming, and I don't know how to avoid it.

Stress? Undoubtably. School, work, my son, the home life...it's all getting to be too much. And yet, you'd think the things that would be stressing me to this point would be work and school, right? No...it's my home life. I've been with my boyfriend for just over seven months now, and only now am I starting to realise what a mistake I've made. Not in dating the man, but the speed of the relationship. He is a sweet, kind, loving man. The kind of man any girl would dream of wanting to be with. So why do I want to run away? Because things went too fast. We moved in together after bearly three months of dating. I thought it would a be a good idea, but now I'm regretting it. We skipped over the dating part of our relationship, and moved straight into playing house. Sure, good things have come out of it, like my going back to school and getting a very good job with a good company, but still. Was it worth it?

I'm finding myself wanting my old life back. I want my apartment. I want my son to myself. My SO seems to think he's found an instant family. (He can't have his own children, so of course a gal with a kid is perfect.) His family treats me like one of their own, even treating my son as another grandchild. You'd think, after being alone in Michigan, with no family of my own for so long, I would love this. So why am I feeling so smothered?

I've been married twice in less than 9 years. My SO is already talking marriage. "Someday you will be my wife" he told me. Probably about two months into our relationship. Now, I'd only been officially divorced for about 8 months at this time. The *farthest* thing from my mind is marriage. I want to make sure, if I ever marry again, that it will be 100% for the last time. If I have *any* doubts, I won't do it. I had doubts about my last marriage, and they turned out to be right. I won't make that mistake again.

So if that isn't enough, there's the problem with my meds. For the last several months I've been getting my medication for my bipolar disorder through the state's medicaid program. I found out about a week ago that I will no longer qualify for it come the fourth of February. You know why? Because I make too much money now that I have a job. That's right. Aparently $700 a month is too much money. I saw my therapist last week and told her about this. She said we'll find some way to pay for the meds. Thank the gods, since they cost about $400 a month! I'm going to apply for SSI disability, but they can take three to five months to make a decision. I am beyond freaking out about this. If I can't take my meds, I will spiral out of control and lose it again. I won't be able to work, go to school, or handle being alone with my son. I've been down that road and it scared the hell out of me. I swore I wouldn't do it again. I would rather lock myself away in a mental health unit in order to get my meds than go without again.

I don't know what to do anymore. I am litteraly falling apart again. I've got headaches, I can't eat, I don't sleep, I'm tired and bitchy all the time. I don't want to be alone, but as soon as I'm around my SO, I wish he'd go away. I feel like my head is going to split open and my brains are going to spill out everywhere. Worse, is the feeling of not caring. The apathy. I skipped school today and don't give a rats ass. This is not a good thing.

I don't know what I want anymore, other than not to break. This time, I don't think I can be put back together.