Okay,world, I think I've had about all I can take.
Growing up, I was the ugly tomboy with the glasses, frekels and pimples. I had a hard time getting guys to notice me, let alone date me. I had three boyfriends in high school, and only one of them was worth anything. I was an idiot and married the first guy who "loved" me right out of high school (I was 19). After that divorce I went hog wild, dating any guy who showed any interest in me, and sleeping with most of them. Why? I haven't a clue, other than I was young and stupid and desperatly craved the attention of a man. It seemed I couldn't live without one, no matter how crappy he was. Somehow being wanted made me feel like I was worth something.
I've had self esteem issues my whole life. I'm 29 and I still have them. I look in the mirror and see a chubby, flabby, pimply faced, scared, four eyed, ugly woman. I can't see beyond that at all. I mean, I know I can make myself look beautiful with the right clothes, makeup and hair. But I want to see a beautiful, worthwhile woman when I get up in the morning, messy hair, sweatpants and all. I could name five men right now that would disagree with me. Every time one of them says I'm beautiful, I could just scream. I know men check me out, and I wonder what the hell they're looking at. Are you blind?
Just stop it, okay? I'm not beautiful, I'm not sexy, and I have no common sense. If I had any, I'd join a convent. (My disbelief in god not withstanding.) The only men I will believe are my son and my dad.
Please, please, for the love of the gods, stop it. Or someone give me the strength to see what they do.
And to the men who think they love me, in any way, all I ask is why? (No, my dad and my son don't count.) How odd is it that I can question you, when I never question myself when I feel love for someone. Does that make my a hypocrite? I don't know anymore. If you all would just go away, maybe I could get my brain around some things. Hell, I can't even write a coherent blog at the moment, my brain is so screwy.
Why oh why are we doomed in this society to love only one person? My heart is so big, and there are so many wonderful people with so many wonderful traits. Why is it I have to pick one person to be "the one", while others are doomed to either be left behind or be just the platonic friend? That's not the way this world works. At least, not in Western society.
I think too much of other's feelings. If I were to run away and persue what I want for once, how many broken hearts would I leave behind? I'm worried about what everyone else thinks...friends, parents, my son. I can't win. No wonder there are still nights I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up.
Gah....life's a bitch.
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3 years ago