December 05, 2006
November 23, 2006
I'm so happy! We've talked about getting married, just kind of in passing, but this was the real deal. The ring is beautiful, of course. http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v43/sunflowerblue29/ring.jpg
We told my dad the other night, and told chillas' family last night. They are all so happy for us.
I'm on cloud nine.
October 30, 2006
Just out of pure curiosity I revisited her myspace page today, and found her blog. She writes how they were just trying to wish me well, and that she can't believe the response she got. That her husband would never do anything I said he did, and that I'm a pathalogical lier. Really? Did she ask him about the time he screamed at me and threatened to hit me, in front of other people? Did he tell her about the time he cheated on me with my "friend" Michelle, and then ran away to Missouri like a coward? How I was told I had to quit my job at the motorcycle shop because he was certain I was cheating on him with half the staff. The time he came into play rehearsal, and yelled at me in front of everyone. How I lost jobs in the theatre because he wouldn't let me go to play practice alone, and I got the rep of that girl with the crappy husband. I couldn't even wear a slinky costume. And he had a fit when I couldn't wear my wedding band on stage! (Hello, the character was single...duh.) How we didn't spend either one of our anniversaries together because we were fighting and seperated. How my own father told me "You can still back out you know", right before he walked me down the aisle at our wedding. (Everyone knew, except me, that I was making a huge mistake. I should have listened to them.) Or how about the time he followed me to the theatre I was at, and begged me to come back to him, complete with the gas station rose he bought? Or the letter he sent me that Christmas, after we'd already been divorced, begging me to go out with him for New Years?
I could go on, but I won't.
So, Deedle, if you're reading this, guess we both have different sides to the story. I still feel sorry for you. I know what he did to me, and I'm greatful he doesn't do those things to you. You're the lucky one. He could be wonderful now, I don't know, and I don't care. Just stay the hell out of my life, both of you. I'm happy now, and I'm going to stay that way.
ETA: She just tried to contact me again through MySpace. For God's sake, child, give it a rest. *rolls eyes* Pathetic.
August 14, 2006
First of all, half of my belongings, including my furniture, are still at my ex boyfriend's house. I don't have a truck, or anything like that, so I couldn't take the stuff to my apartment. So my friend was supposed to help me with her truck. We talked about it for weeks, got the day off and all that. The day before we're supposed to move all the stuff I try calling her. No answer. I try later. No answer. Again, later, and no answer. I must have called her six times, and not once did she pick up. Naturally, she didn't show up the next day, so I stuffed as many boxes into my car as I could, and went down to Ohio anyway. She called me later that afternoon to tell me that the "reason" she didn't come help me move was because her dad took the truck. Never mind that he knew we needed it on this day for over a month. That's her excuse, but I'm guessing she simply copped out on me. At any rate, that means my furniture is still at the ex-bf's place. Thankfully, he doesn't mind holding on to it for me, since we're still on pretty good terms.
A couple of weeks later, egan was down for a visit, and I sent him home with even more boxes. I spent the next week going crazy, trying to box everything else up, and praying it would all fit into two little cars.
Egan and I had a fun weekend taking my son to the zoo on Saturday, but on Sunday we spent it packing, packing and packing. He originally was going to leave on Sunday, and I was going to follow on Monday. But he decided not to, and so we spent the evening watching Wallace and Gromit, Curse of the Wererabbit outside, with our friends Mr and Mrs hi-c. Then, eeek! it was Monday, moving day.
We ran around like scared bunnies, making sure everything was packed. Then we very carefully stuffed everything into the two cars. Last to go were the guinea pig and the two cats. The pig and Twitch went into egan's car, while Smokey went into mine. And we're off!
It was, unfortunatly, a very hot day, and I don't have a/c in my car. So about an hour into the trip, Smokey was just suffereing. So I called egan on his cel and asked him to put her in his car. We pulled over and in she went. So now he's stuck with two mewing cats, and I'm all alone. The rest of the trip went pretty uneventfully from there.
We finally got in and brought the cats and pig up into the apartment. Then we collapsed from exhaustion. Over the next two days we unloaded what was left in the cars, and got all the boxes upstairs and stacked them up in the dining room. The kitties settled right into their new home. Smokey found a place on the back of the love seat, and Twitch just roamed all over, finally deciding he likes it under the bed. They both like having a porch to hang out on though.
It's been about two weeks, and I feel like I'm finally settled in. This is our place now. I start work back up on Thursday, and I'm really nervous, but greatful that I have a job. All in all, it's been wonderful moving down here, and I'm proud to be a Buckeye at last.
August 11, 2006
This is my kitty, Smokey. I've had her for ten years now. I adopted her when she was just a tiny little kitten. She's a good kitty, although she can be a pain sometimes. But I love her dearly. She's very picky about who she likes, being a Siamese, but she really has me as her human. She got her name when she was a baby, and looked like a little puff of smoke.
And to round out our little animal family is my guinea pig, Tottie. She's named after Lady Tottington from Wallace and Gromit: Curse of the Wererabbit. I bought her a couple of months ago for my son. She's his guinea pig, even if I do take care of her for him. She's not as loving as a cat, but she doesn't mind being held or petted, once you catch her that is. And she'll devour lettuce like there's no tomorow. Don't mind the red eye thing...that's just her Terminator impersonation.
So there's my animals. Hope you enjoyed seeing my furry family!
July 19, 2006
July 12, 2006
A year ago this month I lost one of my best friends, my kitty cat, Sammy. Here he is:
He was only 9 years old, but I had to have him put down because he was suffering from heart failure. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done.
Sammy was the first cat I ever got that was 100% mine. When I got married and moved out of my parent's house, I left all the kitties behind, because they had been with my folks for so long. Naturally, having cats my whole life, I was very lonely without a kitty in the house. So a week later I went looking for a cat.
I hit the local PetsMart because they usually have animals for adoption. The first cat I saw that I thought I'd like was a little tiger striped cat, but he was already adopted, so I kept looking. And there, in a bottom cage, was a brother and sister pair of black and white cats. She had already been adopted, but the boy still needed a home. I fell in love with him right away. (I've always liked black and white cats.) So I purchased all the neccesities you need for a kitty, payed the adoption fee, and brought Sammy home. On the drive home I decided to call him Sam, for the character Sam played by Scott Backula on Quantum Leap.
Sammy and I went through so much together. Moving so many times I lost count, a divorce, getting remarried and moving from California to Michigan, moving around Michigan, a baby, and another divorce. Through it all, he remained my buddy and my companion. He was very picky about who he liked, but once he liked you, you had a friend for life. My (now) BF even got to meet him about a month before he passed away.
When he got sick, I was devistated. I took him to the vet who told me he had heart failure. So I had to make the decision to have him put down. I wasn't about to let my best friend suffer in pain for who knew how many more days. So I held him while the vet gave him the injection, and cried my eyes out the whole time. Once he was gone, I didn't want to let him go. I couldn't believe my Sammykat was gone. But the vet was very kind and burried him under a tree in their animal memory yard. So I know he was taken care of.
He was my little angel, and I will never forget him. I hope to get a tattoo of him soon, that looks a little like this: http://www.almostabstract.freeuk.com/Originals/OriginalsSL/Pasl169.jpg, which looks very much like Sammy, with his birth month and year and death date on it. It will be my tribute to my dearest cat.
I have had many cats in my life, but none of them will ever take Sammy's place. I miss you buddy. And I hope to see you again some day. I love you.
I lost my home phone line, so I don't have internet access at home anymore. :( But, not to worry, I can still use it at home, and soon I'll have access at the BF's house. Broadband...yippee!!!!
So I'm still around. Try not to worry so much. ;)
June 27, 2006
June 26, 2006
Sigh, I just can't win.
June 24, 2006
From an article on NPR:
In a career spanning more than 25 years, pop-music parodist "Weird Al" Yankovic hasn't exactly ranked among the music business' fiercest iconoclasts: He doesn't release his song parodies without the consent of the artists being parodied, and he's rarely used the Internet as more than a tool to promote his projects and connect with his fans. But a music label's efforts to block a (relatively tame) parody of James Blunt's ubiquitous hit "You're Beautiful" has Yankovic fighting back publicly, and using his Web site as a tool to do so.
According to Yankovic, Blunt himself gave his blessing to a song called "You're Pitiful" (audio), which was to appear on Yankovic's now-finished but as-yet-unreleased new album. But after Yankovic finished recording the parody, Atlantic Records, Blunt's label, told Yankovic that he couldn't release "You're Pitiful." Though Yankovic has encountered resistance from artists before -- after a miscommunication involving permissions, Coolio publicly objected to a released parody of "Gangsta's Paradise," while Prince has always turned down Yankovic's requests to parody his hits -- he says this is the first time a label has stepped in to squash the release of one of his parodies. (Quoth an Atlantic representative: "We have no comment on this matter.")
So how, exactly, does a music label have a say in whether one of its artists can be parodied?
"The legality in this case is somewhat moot," Yankovic writes when contacted via e-mail. "James Blunt could still let me put it on my album if he really wanted to, but he obviously doesn't want to alienate his own record company... and my label could release the parody without Atlantic's blessing, but they don't really want to go to war with another label over this. So really, it's more of a political matter than a legal matter."
Of course, it's not hard to circulate a song these days, and Yankovic has helped that process along by making an MP3 of the track available for free download on his Web site. It may not appear on Yankovic's new album, but "You're Pitiful" will still swirl around in cyberspace long after Blunt's original recedes from memory.
"I have a long-standing history of respecting artists' wishes," Yankovic writes. "So if James Blunt himself were objecting, I wouldn't even offer my parody for free on my Web site. But since it's a bunch of suits -- who are actually going against their own artist's wishes -- I have absolutely no problem with it."
Go Al! Now head off to his site and go download it! ;)
June 16, 2006
June 13, 2006
But I'm back to work at least. And I don't have my arm in a sling anymore. I didn't like being a one armed bandit. ;)
June 07, 2006
Needless to say, since it happened at work, I had to go through the whole paperwork crap, plus the whiz quiz, etc. So not fun.
I came into work the next day, high on codiene and in a sling. I tried to cashier but it wasn't easy at all. So they sent me home.
For the next week I cashiered. Now I'm back on the lot and slingless. But they've got a pool at work as to what I'll hurt next. Gods only know.
Then I drove home from dropping off my son at his dad's.
While driving down the road, a Siamese cat darted out in front of my car. I hit the breaks, but it was too late. I killed the poor kitty cat. I was so upset and felt sick. I couldn't bring myself to turn around and try and find who it might belong to. I called my boyfriend and told him what happened. He kept telling me it was just an accident, but I can't help but feel like shit. I had a cat hit and killed by a car once too. I know what a horrid feeling that is. If I close my eyes, I can still see it. A day later, and I still feel sick.
So it turned out to not be that great of a day after all. Not the worst day I’ve ever had, but I can’t think of anything that’s happened lately that made me feel this bad.
To who ever owned the kitty, I am so very sorry. I hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me. And for the love of the gods, please, if you get another cat, don't let it outside. Don't let this happen again. I'm so sorry.
He came up to see me on St. Patrick's day, and we've been together ever since. It's so hard being away from each other though. We see each other every couple of weeks, but it's never enough.
Our friends are also a MI/OH couple, but they're only about 45 minutes apart. We call them The Lucky Bastards. Although Bainwin points out to me that we're all lucky bastards, having found our soulmates. She's right.
So I didn't mean to do it, but I fell in love with my best friend. Thank the gods!
April 26, 2006
I've been dreaming of him off and on for about a week now, and they're never good dreams. Last night was the worst though. He was screaming at me, calling me a worthless whore, an unfit mother, and he would never let me see our son again. I woke up just terrified.
I had to call my fiend to calm down. Yes it was 430 in the morning, didn't mind a bit. Thank goodness for that.
I don't even want to dream like that again. Reality is enough.
April 25, 2006
So today I go back to work. I'm very happy. Let's hope they don't pull me back for cashier anytime soon. I don't wanna! *has tantrum* Ahem...sorry 'bout that. ;)
April 04, 2006
Bad news: It still hurts if I walk too much. *sigh* Guess I'm off to the doctor again.
I've been under a huge ammount of stress lately. The bi-polar disorder has really been kicking my ass lately, and it's getting the better of me. It's causing me to hurt my son (I yelled at him and scared him), and even at work I can't hold it together. A coworker caught me crying uncontrollably in the garden shed the other day. So, at the urging of a friend, I left work and school for a few days, and came down to Ohio for a break.
I was worried about work, but called my HR manager and she said it was perfectly okay. So hopefully I'll be back to work on Friday. At least I know my job will be waiting for me, so that's a little preasure off my back.
I'm seeing my doctor on Monday. She's not going to be happy that I've been lying to her. I told her I've been doing really well, when the truth is I've been having suicidal thoughts for almost a month now, and tried to do myself in last week. Hopefully we'll work on some med adjustments and see what happens.
Also, my ex and I have agreed to no more overnights with my son for a little while. I'm going to see him on Tuesday and just take him to the park for awhile. I hope he'll be okay with that.
At any rate, it feels good to not be at either work or school, to eat sushi, and to spend time in the company of someone who cares for me. I think we all should have a vacation like that from time to time.
March 28, 2006
Sleep is over rated.
I'm not really in love with anyone but my son.
There is nothing wrong with having sex whit whoever you please, as long as you're safe.
I don't like my mom very much.
I go to school, go to work, spend time with my kid, read, spend too much time online, and fuck too much.
I think I'm fat and ugly, but no one else seems me that way. Who's blind?
If I can get food stamps, I'm buying myself some slimfast.
Working til 10 sucks.
I miss my dad.
I wish someone would tell me what's wrong with my knee.
Why do I have to be so damn independant and stubborn?
I'm 29 and wish I was still daddy's little girl.
I wish I had a brother or sister.
Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
I want another baby so bad it hurts.
I hate living in Michigan. I never should have left California.
I really like working at the Home Depot, but I hate being a cashier.
I miss doing plays. They were the only thing I was naturally good at.
I should have gone to San Francisco or New York and at least tried. Too late now.
I wish I was thin and pretty. Not super model pretty, but like the girls I see at school with the shiney hair and great makeup and clothes.
I'm still a tomboy trapped in a woman's body and I wish I wasn't.
I wish my knee would stop hurting. I don't want to have surgery on it again. I never fully healed from the last one.
I want to be someone's Mrs. again someday.
If there is such a thing as reincarnation, I want to come back as a cat.
I fucking hate being bipolar. Why couldn't I have a normal brain?
There you have it...random thoughts from a messed up mind.
March 08, 2006
The first time it was hurt was when my horse bucked me off when I was about 9 years old. Really minor sprain, lasted maybe a day or two.
Fast forward a few years later. I was riding my horse bareback, and she stepped in a hole and tripped. I went flying over her head and managed to seriously sprain my knee this time. I also wound up with a monsterous bruise on my right hip and a minor concussion. This time the sprain was a second degree and was all mangled, bruised and swollen. Ick. I was on crutches for over a week that time. This was during high school, so that really sucked.
So now it's 1997, and I get into a very minor rear end accident. I happened to have my leg in just the right spot, and I managed to get my knee cap knocked out of alignment! After many fights with doctors, lawyers and the worker's comp company, I finally had surgery on it to correct the problem in April of 2000. I was on crutches for a month, and then it took over three months of physical therapy to really get back on my feet. Sadly, it never fully healed, and my left leg is still slightly smaller than my right becasue of the loss of muscle.
August of 2004, I took a bad tumble and hurt it again. Crutches and I are becoming good friends at this point.
Then in October of 2005, I'm playing with my son and my (then) boyfriend at the playground. We were on this type of platform that's held up by a chain on each corner, so it kinda floats off the ground. My son jumped off and the BF was swinging it pretty hard with me on it. Well, I was wearing boots at the time, so I didn't exactly have a good footing. You guessed it...bam! I fell on my ass and twisted my knee and my ankle pretty badly. So I was stuck on crutches, again.
So here we are, 2006. I've been busy with going to school and work 7 days a week, especially with work. As I've said before, I do lot attendant, so I'm pretty physically active now. Oddly enough, this didn't happen at work. I was at school, walking to class, when my knee just started to hurt like crazy. It felt like someone was stabbing me on the left side. Every time I bent it to walk it hurt. I was almost in tears. So I straight legged it to class. Every time I tried to bend it and put weight on it for the rest of the day it hurt like that. It made work interesting.
So I went and got myself and knee brace and started wearing it, thinking I'd just sprained it and I'd be okay if I just wore the brace and took it easy. No go. Not only did it not really help the knee pain, but it gave me a rash! Aparently I'm allergic to neoprean and sweat. Thankfully that was taken care of quickly, and I now wear the brace on the outside. Anyway, the pain has been steadily been getting worse and worse, to the point where it actually catches and gives way. When it catches, it hurts so bad I have to stop whatever it is I'm doing and just stand there til the pain passes.
I finally gave in and scheduled an appointment with the doctor. After she examined me and bent my poor leg around like a pretzel, she told me she thinks there's actually something torn in there. Which means I have to go in for an MRI and see what's going on in there. If it's bad enough, I'll need knee surgery again. Needless to say, I did not like hearing this at all.
The doctor then gave me a work restriction (no excessive walking) and told me to use my crutches. So I headed off to work to tell them the situation. I was nervous. I mean, I'm a lot attendant! I walk around and bring in carts all day, and load customers vehicles. How am I supposed to do that on crutches? Thanfully, things worked out. I'm cashier trained, so they're putting me on a register for now. That's great, since I"ll still have a job, but I already miss doing lot. I was so good at it! I see the parking lot when I come to work, and it's full of carts, and I get upset. Normally I'm not too concerned with things being clean, but this is my job and I take pride in it.
I've only been cashier for a couple of days now, but already my knee is feeling better. I'm hoping that it's not as bad as the doctor thinks, and we'll be able to fix it without surgery. The thought of having surgery again scares the hell out of me. I don't like hospitals in general, and I am terrified of IVs. And last time I had surgery I had a bad reaction to the anesthetic that cause my blood preasure to drop rapidly. That was so not fun. Plus the recovery time is painful and long. I admit it, I'm scared.
I hope I hear about the MRI soon. Then at least I'll know what I'm dealing with. It won't be so scarey then.
And this had better be the last damn time my knee gets hurt. Next time, I'm cutting it off!
February 27, 2006
Sadly, I wasn't able to watch a single event this year. I was either working while the games were on, or someone was busy watching something else, or playing video games at the time. However, I did stay up to date on my favorite sports, speed skating and hockey.
Now, I'm not as big of a hockey fan as my friend Bainwen is, but it's my second favorite sport. (Sorry, baseball will always be number one for me.) Then you add the Olympics to the mix, the most awesome display of athletics in the world, and you've got my attention! I was getting worried when the US and Canada teams both got beaten out of medal contention. But, oh the good news! Sweden was in the running for a medal! They had to go up against Finland for the gold. Happy news...They won! The very best part to me, was that Nicklas Lidstrom, my favorite hockey player, (Go Wings!), was the one that scored the goal that sealed the victory. Lidstrom's goal, coming just 10 seconds into the third period, snapped a tie and sent Sweden to a 3-2 victory over Finland on Sunday in the men's hockey finale. I'm of Swedish ancestry, very proudly so, and usually root for the Swedes anyway. I even exchanged a flag with a Swedish man at the '84 games. I gave him my US one for his Swedish one. I think my mom still has it somewhere.
Another interesting note, the US won their very first medal in curling. Curling? You ask...WTF is that? Well, it's an interesting sport where two guys basically brush a large stone down the ice, trying to put it in just the right spot to score points. I know, obscure. I only know because my daddy curled in college. That, and it's one sport you're sure to get tickets to if you ever want to go to the games. ;)
However, the most interesting thing to me in these Olympics was the speed skating events. I have always loved the sport, both long and short track. I remember watching the Queen of Speed Skating and Dan Jansen go flying around the track and being mesmerised by them. This year I had a real close interest in the men's competition. Bay City, Michigan's very own Alex Izykowski was on the men's team. He was in a couple of events, and eventually became part of the Bronze medal winning team for the 5000 meter race. I'm hoping we have a really big party here, so maybe I can finally see a real Olympic medal (or were they CD's this year?) up close and personal. That, and he's cute. :>
So another Winter Olympics have come and gone. I really wish I could have seen them. Maybe I'll have better luck in four years when they come to Vancouver, Canada. After all, I'm not that far away. And I would like to say someday that I've been to the Summer and Winter games. By that time my kid would be old enough to enjoy them even. Now that would be a cool tradition to start. I'll never be an athelte, but at least watching these guys and gals lets me dream a little.
"Citius, Altius, Fortius"
February 25, 2006
I've been working at the Home Depot for just about a month and a half now. I am a lot attendant. Basically that means that I run around and bring in carts all day, and I help customers load up their vehicles with their purchases. I'm really enjoying it. I get lots of exercise, I get to be outside, I get to interact with lots of people. It's great! I've also been cashier trained, so I get some extra shifts, but I prefer the lot. There's a wonderful freedom to it. I can wander all over the store, and no one says anything about it. I get to help people in all departments. Plus I'm learning tons about where everything is, and how lots of things work.
I haven't loved a job in a long time. The last time was six years ago when I worked as a delivery driver for a blueprinting company. There was a lot of freedom in that too. Maybe that's what I like about these jobs so much...being able to actually do things, instead of being stuck in one place.
My front end supervisor wants me to become a cashier full time once my six months in lot is up, but I don't know if I'll want to. I like being able to run around. Oh, and the best part is seeing the looks on people's faces when I'm called as the loader. The men usually don't think I can do the job, and I surprise them. The women are worse though. I don't know how many I've had say "shouldn't a man be doing this?" I just tell them they wanted someone who could do it right. ;)
I did have one really sexist pig. He wouldn't let me help him at all with his load. He actually kept saying that this was a man's job, and that a man should be doing it, not some "girl". He even said to me "here, you can hold my coffee"! What a jackass. So I held his coffee while he grunted, groaned and strained to get his insulation into his car. I was trying so hard not to laugh outloud at him. When he was done, I handed him back his coffee, wished him a nice day, and took the cart back into the store. I hope he had back trouble that night. ;)
All in all, I really do love my job. Great coworkers, pretty good (99%) customers, and a great place to work. Yup, I am the Home Depot.
February 20, 2006
I looked under the bed. Nothing but rabid dust bunnies the size of shoes.
I checked under the couch. No luck. A couple of moldy cheerios. At least, I think that's what they used to be.
I checked in the basement, but couldn't find it there either. I even looked through my still packed boxes, thinking that maybe I had forgotten to unpack it. Nope, not their either.
I'm don't think I will find it in this house. I think it wandered off and got lost. A ha! A quest! Now to find the right person to help me search for it. ;) After all, a quest done alone isn't exactly fun.
February 13, 2006
Back in the month of May (wow, that's cheesey), I started talking to two very interesting men. One, I met through a message board I frequent. We'd been chatting back and forth about theatre, and other mutual likes. The other I met through an internet dating service. We also had many things to talk about. They both made me laugh, and I felt happy with both of them. Not in "that" kinda way. Just happy in general.
June comes along, and I met Guy 1 in person. We spent the weekend together seeing a great set of one acts, and then caught a movie together before I (reluctantly) headed home. About a week after that, I meet Guy 2 in person. He and I also hit it off, and in a completly different way. Although I like both men very much, I went with Guy 2 because he was closer to me. Guy 2 lives in another state, and I've never been very good at long distance relationships.
So fast forward a few months. It's now February, and I am living with Guy 2. He claims he loves me more than life itself, and I'm happy having someone that takes care of me and my son. Also, I have continued my friendship with Guy 1, even visiting him two more times since our initial visit.
Now here's the problem. I am not in love with Guy 2, my SO. He's sweet, kind and loving. And I honestly do care for him. But in just the last 8 months that we've been dating, we've already grown apart, even if he won't admit to it. Sure, we like the same movies and music, and we laugh at the same jokes...if they're fart jokes. His idea of a fun Friday night is to hang out with his buddy on the couch and kill people on Grand Theft Auto, San Andres. I mean, I like to play video games too, and even have a LOTRs one of my own, but every damn day? For hours at a time? Ok, I know, I spend a lot of time online. But I multi task it with homework, chatting with friends, even reading! He's not educated, he doesn't read books, he doesn't want to learn anything new, unless it's cheat codes for his games, and his favorite jokes have to do with farting on someone. I try to talk to him about how I'm feeling, and all I get back from him is "is it my fault? What can I do to make it better?" All the time! He won't stand up to me at all. He's whipped...and I didn't even do it. Pre-whipped, as a friend of mine said. He has a lot of good qualities, but they just don't match up with what I need in a realtionship with someone.
As I go back to school, and work at a job I'm really loving, I'm finding myself drifting away from him. I have nothing to talk about with him, because he doesn't seem interested in what I have to say. And when he talks to me, I find myself tuning out. Horrid, aren't I?
So, I'm coming to the realisation that this relationship is over. It's dead in the water. No matter how much he thinks we're perfect, I know we're not. I find myself resenting him and his family. Sure, it's great that they treat my son like a member of their family (cards, bday and Christmas presents and what not), but it really bothers me. I am just his girlfriend, not his wife. My son is my son. I want so much to get away from all of these people. Part of why I have been reluctant to do anything before now, is because of the SO and his family, I can give my son everything his father can. A family, a home, lots of people who care about him. But after talking this over with my therapist, I know that if I stay just for my kid, I won't be happy in the end, and he will figure it out. He has to have a happy, healthy mommy for him to be at his best. And I have sworn to myself that I will take care of myself, in order to take care of him.
The realationship went faster than a drunk monkey on a greased skateboard. I know it, and I've tried telling SO this, but he thinks it's fine. He keeps saying he wants to get married, and his own family keep checking out my left hand. I just got divorced a year and a half ago, damn it! I don't know if I want to ever get married again, let alone right now. I want very much to move into my own place again, and slow things waaaay down. But he sees my moving out as a full ending of the relationship. It seems that with him it's either all or nothing. Honestly, at this point, I'd rather have nothing.
So, onto another issue. During all of this time, I've been talking to Guy 1. Honestly, I think of this man as my best friend. When something happens in my life, or I just want someone to chat with, he's the first one I think of. He's given me the moral and emotional support I've needed in all the rough patches of my life for the last eight months. He understands me in a way no one elese does. And that scares the living crap out of me. Why? Because I understand now that I gave my heart to the wrong person back in June. I stayed away from any relationship with Guy 1 because he lives in a different state, and I can't move out of Michigan because of my son. So what do I do now? I don't want Guy 1 to move up here to MI for me, because this place is dead in terms of jobs, culture, what have you. Plus, I don't want him to think I'd be rebounding on him because my relationship with Guy 2 is over with. I know Guy 1 cares for me, but I don't want to push anything. For all I know, he may just see me as his little sister. And I'm too scared to find out. Moving down to where he lives would be an option, but not for another two or three years. I have to finish my schooling, and I want to wait until my son is old enough to be in school. And, as I said before...long distance relationship and I don't do well. I'd hate to see a wonderful thing get blown apart by a mere 300 miles.
Yup, you read it all right. I'm in love with my best friend. Calling Hollywood!
I think the best thing to do for the moment is keep my mouth and my heart shut. I'll keep Guy 1 as my best friend, and hopefully things will work themselves out in the end. If we stay as nothing more than friends, at least I know I have someone in my life I can count on for anything. And that is more important to me than any romantic relationship.
January 30, 2006
The cracks don't appear overnight. They show up gradually, over time. Slowly but surely erroding the plates overall structure. It may look like it's in one piece, but it's much weaker than anyone can guess.
I'm a plate right now. I have been holding together for several months now, but the cracks have been creeping in. I ignored them. I figured they'd fix themselves, that someone would just come along and magically glue them so they didn't show. But now I can feel them, I can see them. I can see the breaking point coming, and I don't know how to avoid it.
Stress? Undoubtably. School, work, my son, the home life...it's all getting to be too much. And yet, you'd think the things that would be stressing me to this point would be work and school, right? No...it's my home life. I've been with my boyfriend for just over seven months now, and only now am I starting to realise what a mistake I've made. Not in dating the man, but the speed of the relationship. He is a sweet, kind, loving man. The kind of man any girl would dream of wanting to be with. So why do I want to run away? Because things went too fast. We moved in together after bearly three months of dating. I thought it would a be a good idea, but now I'm regretting it. We skipped over the dating part of our relationship, and moved straight into playing house. Sure, good things have come out of it, like my going back to school and getting a very good job with a good company, but still. Was it worth it?
I'm finding myself wanting my old life back. I want my apartment. I want my son to myself. My SO seems to think he's found an instant family. (He can't have his own children, so of course a gal with a kid is perfect.) His family treats me like one of their own, even treating my son as another grandchild. You'd think, after being alone in Michigan, with no family of my own for so long, I would love this. So why am I feeling so smothered?
I've been married twice in less than 9 years. My SO is already talking marriage. "Someday you will be my wife" he told me. Probably about two months into our relationship. Now, I'd only been officially divorced for about 8 months at this time. The *farthest* thing from my mind is marriage. I want to make sure, if I ever marry again, that it will be 100% for the last time. If I have *any* doubts, I won't do it. I had doubts about my last marriage, and they turned out to be right. I won't make that mistake again.
So if that isn't enough, there's the problem with my meds. For the last several months I've been getting my medication for my bipolar disorder through the state's medicaid program. I found out about a week ago that I will no longer qualify for it come the fourth of February. You know why? Because I make too much money now that I have a job. That's right. Aparently $700 a month is too much money. I saw my therapist last week and told her about this. She said we'll find some way to pay for the meds. Thank the gods, since they cost about $400 a month! I'm going to apply for SSI disability, but they can take three to five months to make a decision. I am beyond freaking out about this. If I can't take my meds, I will spiral out of control and lose it again. I won't be able to work, go to school, or handle being alone with my son. I've been down that road and it scared the hell out of me. I swore I wouldn't do it again. I would rather lock myself away in a mental health unit in order to get my meds than go without again.
I don't know what to do anymore. I am litteraly falling apart again. I've got headaches, I can't eat, I don't sleep, I'm tired and bitchy all the time. I don't want to be alone, but as soon as I'm around my SO, I wish he'd go away. I feel like my head is going to split open and my brains are going to spill out everywhere. Worse, is the feeling of not caring. The apathy. I skipped school today and don't give a rats ass. This is not a good thing.
I don't know what I want anymore, other than not to break. This time, I don't think I can be put back together.