The wrong love

This will be a bitchy blog. Skip this one if you think it might irritate you. ;)

Back in the month of May (wow, that's cheesey), I started talking to two very interesting men. One, I met through a message board I frequent. We'd been chatting back and forth about theatre, and other mutual likes. The other I met through an internet dating service. We also had many things to talk about. They both made me laugh, and I felt happy with both of them. Not in "that" kinda way. Just happy in general.

June comes along, and I met Guy 1 in person. We spent the weekend together seeing a great set of one acts, and then caught a movie together before I (reluctantly) headed home. About a week after that, I meet Guy 2 in person. He and I also hit it off, and in a completly different way. Although I like both men very much, I went with Guy 2 because he was closer to me. Guy 2 lives in another state, and I've never been very good at long distance relationships.

So fast forward a few months. It's now February, and I am living with Guy 2. He claims he loves me more than life itself, and I'm happy having someone that takes care of me and my son. Also, I have continued my friendship with Guy 1, even visiting him two more times since our initial visit.

Now here's the problem. I am not in love with Guy 2, my SO. He's sweet, kind and loving. And I honestly do care for him. But in just the last 8 months that we've been dating, we've already grown apart, even if he won't admit to it. Sure, we like the same movies and music, and we laugh at the same jokes...if they're fart jokes. His idea of a fun Friday night is to hang out with his buddy on the couch and kill people on Grand Theft Auto, San Andres. I mean, I like to play video games too, and even have a LOTRs one of my own, but every damn day? For hours at a time? Ok, I know, I spend a lot of time online. But I multi task it with homework, chatting with friends, even reading! He's not educated, he doesn't read books, he doesn't want to learn anything new, unless it's cheat codes for his games, and his favorite jokes have to do with farting on someone. I try to talk to him about how I'm feeling, and all I get back from him is "is it my fault? What can I do to make it better?" All the time! He won't stand up to me at all. He's whipped...and I didn't even do it. Pre-whipped, as a friend of mine said. He has a lot of good qualities, but they just don't match up with what I need in a realtionship with someone.

As I go back to school, and work at a job I'm really loving, I'm finding myself drifting away from him. I have nothing to talk about with him, because he doesn't seem interested in what I have to say. And when he talks to me, I find myself tuning out. Horrid, aren't I?

So, I'm coming to the realisation that this relationship is over. It's dead in the water. No matter how much he thinks we're perfect, I know we're not. I find myself resenting him and his family. Sure, it's great that they treat my son like a member of their family (cards, bday and Christmas presents and what not), but it really bothers me. I am just his girlfriend, not his wife. My son is my son. I want so much to get away from all of these people. Part of why I have been reluctant to do anything before now, is because of the SO and his family, I can give my son everything his father can. A family, a home, lots of people who care about him. But after talking this over with my therapist, I know that if I stay just for my kid, I won't be happy in the end, and he will figure it out. He has to have a happy, healthy mommy for him to be at his best. And I have sworn to myself that I will take care of myself, in order to take care of him.

The realationship went faster than a drunk monkey on a greased skateboard. I know it, and I've tried telling SO this, but he thinks it's fine. He keeps saying he wants to get married, and his own family keep checking out my left hand. I just got divorced a year and a half ago, damn it! I don't know if I want to ever get married again, let alone right now. I want very much to move into my own place again, and slow things waaaay down. But he sees my moving out as a full ending of the relationship. It seems that with him it's either all or nothing. Honestly, at this point, I'd rather have nothing.

So, onto another issue. During all of this time, I've been talking to Guy 1. Honestly, I think of this man as my best friend. When something happens in my life, or I just want someone to chat with, he's the first one I think of. He's given me the moral and emotional support I've needed in all the rough patches of my life for the last eight months. He understands me in a way no one elese does. And that scares the living crap out of me. Why? Because I understand now that I gave my heart to the wrong person back in June. I stayed away from any relationship with Guy 1 because he lives in a different state, and I can't move out of Michigan because of my son. So what do I do now? I don't want Guy 1 to move up here to MI for me, because this place is dead in terms of jobs, culture, what have you. Plus, I don't want him to think I'd be rebounding on him because my relationship with Guy 2 is over with. I know Guy 1 cares for me, but I don't want to push anything. For all I know, he may just see me as his little sister. And I'm too scared to find out. Moving down to where he lives would be an option, but not for another two or three years. I have to finish my schooling, and I want to wait until my son is old enough to be in school. And, as I said before...long distance relationship and I don't do well. I'd hate to see a wonderful thing get blown apart by a mere 300 miles.

Yup, you read it all right. I'm in love with my best friend. Calling Hollywood!

I think the best thing to do for the moment is keep my mouth and my heart shut. I'll keep Guy 1 as my best friend, and hopefully things will work themselves out in the end. If we stay as nothing more than friends, at least I know I have someone in my life I can count on for anything. And that is more important to me than any romantic relationship.