More bizare ramblings

I know most people who read this are going to disagree with me, but here's some random thought about myself that I have to "talk" about.

♦I'm fat. Okay, at least I think I am. I am currently hovering near 160 pounds. This is the heaviest I have ever been in my life, and I hate it. Every day I pull my size 10/medium clothes on, I am reminded that I am 30 pounds heavier than I want to be. I look in the mirror and see nothing but flab and cellutlite and grossness. I can actually put my belly pooch on my desk. Gross.

I don't want to be stick thin, but being able to slip back into a size 6 would be awesome. I want so bad to drink nothing but Slimfast and eat nothing but nummy veggies, but it ain't happening. I crave hamburgers and tacos and chocolate and can't find the energy to work out or even walk. I love to bike and walk, but my knee makes it hard. So I sit and watch movies and mope.

When I'm depressed I don't want to eat, and when I'm manic I want to eat everything I can get my hands on. Now that' messed up. No wonder I can't stabalize my weight.

I'm ugly. "No you're not! You're beautiful!" I hear you cry. No, I'm really not. I have pail skin that shows every scar, blemish, cut, scrape and bruise in vivid detail. If you look at our wedding photos you can see a huge rash on my right leg glowing through my panty hose. I have pimples and black heads all over my face. Not to mention wrinkles, crowsfeet and dark undereye circles.

I have whispy, fine, thick hair that I can never do anything with. It's a bland color, somewhere between redish and brown. With an ugly streak of green in it that will not go away, even though it's been 8 months since I dyed it. I know how to put my hair in a pony tail, semi braid it if it's long enough, and put it half up. That's all I can do with it. If I cut it so it looks awesome at the salon, I'm too lazy to keep it up that way, or can never duplicate it. It used to be half way down my back until last April when I cut it to above my shoulders impulsively. D'oh. And don't get me started on my stupid bangs.

I'm boring. No, seriously, I am. I can act funny and interesting and outgoing and all the other things people seem to like about me, but I don't really feel like any of those things. My mind is so dull I can barely tell a joke. I can never come up with something witty to say until afterwards. I don't actually do anything interesting.

K, no more for now. I'm getting even more depressed.

And I feel petty and stupid as well.